Texts from Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg Page A

Italian
at night
  under the MOON
     oh god of course 
     so
you know
obviously
  that killed her
     that’d kill anybody 
     i know
  it especially killed her

Peter Pan
     Hey 
     hey! 
     me and the guys are renting a yacht and heading to
Croatia for this open-air festival
 want to come??
     oh are you guys still doing that? 
     well its not like a rental but we know a guy who says we can
 use his boat and he’s super cool
     when are you leaving? 
     mmm idk lemme check 
     okay 
     oh also
we don’t have any sleeping space left on the yacht
but we’re just gonna take peyote the whole way there so you won’t even need a bed
just art
 you know?
     how long does it take to sail to Croatia 
     haha omg
holy shit
so i just talked to Dan and we’re like
 halfway there already i guess
     you guys already left? 
     haha i know right
that’s so fucked up
i don’t even remember leaving
we’re like
 somewhere in the fucking ocean right now
     wow 
     u should come over 
     come over to the ocean? 
     hell yes
hell yes come to the ocean
it’s gonna be amazing
oh and when you come can you bring food and also money for food
and also some money for tickets?
 i didnt bring any of my stuff with me
     where are you in the ocean? 
     ahh i gotta go they’re opening the keg
 see u sooooooon

     ahh, Peter
Peter, my old friend Peter
you’ve come back to see me at last
  I fear I have grown a great deal since the last time we met
     oh ahhh sorry did i wake u up 
     I am a woman now, and an old woman at that 
     im literally not even here ok
i just like
you said to come by if i ever needed anything
 and i just needed to borrow some money for a thing
     Well, of course, Peter
anything you need
  I’ll get my pocketbook
     oh no dont worry i already
 its fine ive got what i need
     come into the drawing room and talk with me a while, Peter 
     um
 is your skin still doing that folding thing
     I am old
  I have wrinkles now
     yeah haha
ew
to be super honest hospitals freak me out
 so i don’t think i can stay real long
     it’s not a hospital, Peter
  I am old but I am not dying
     right right
well
 i can’t come in the house cos i haven’t been invited
     Oh 
     ahh sorry but thats like how my powers work 
     Is that not true of vampires? 
     well yeah
 vampires and me too
     I invite you in, Peter
I invite you
  Come sit with me and talk a while
     ahhh sorry new phone who is this 

The Great Gatsby
    Part II
     Hi Nick 
     Daisy
  what time is it?
     mmm
 Late
     where are you? 
     You
 You are going to laugh at this
     am I really 
     well obviously not if you choose to be a dick about it
you probably won’t laugh then
 but I can’t help that
     what do you want 
     i need a ride 
     where are you 
     remember that valley with ashes in it 
     I remember 
     basically just there 
     I’m leaving now 
     oh also
you should call the police
 somebody’s dead here
     somebody’s dead?
who’s dead?
  dead from what?
     oh i don’t know
we weren’t close or anything
 looks like they’ve been hit by a car
     would that be your car, do you think? 
     can’t say
hard to tell
definitely A car, though
tell you what
you just come out here and get me
 and somebody else can call the police

Part IV

Sweet Valley High
     Jess are you there? 
     yeah I’m here 
     Where were you? 
     what do you mean 
     Did you not get any of my texts? 
     no 
     The Sweet Sixteen people were here
  for the interview about the fundraiser
     they already came? 
     you weren’t here
so I tried to do the best I could without you
Oh I know I was awful
I’m sure they won’t print anything I said
  I’m so sorry you couldn’t make it
     hey Liz 
     Yeah? 
     do you ever catch anything
when you’re fishing
 for compliments

     oh my god
oh my god they’re not moving, Jess
I think they’re both dead
Jesus Christ God
they’re dead, they’re dead