The Customer Is Not Always Right: Hilarious and Horrific Tales of Customers Gone Wrong by A.J. Adams Page B

ma’am, I promise you. Now, how may I help you?”
    W OMAN: “No! You are a liar, and I am going somewhere where non-lying people can help me!”
    M E: “Thank you, ma’am, and have a nice day.”
    W OMAN: “LIAR!”

THE LOGIC IS WEAK ON THIS ONE
    M OVIE T HEATER | L ONDON, U NITED K INGDOM
     
    C USTOMER: “T WO tickets for
Beverly Hills Chihuahua,
please.”
    M E: “Certainly, sir, although I have to let you know that this showing has subtitles.”
    C USTOMER: “What are they? Is it in a foreign language?”
    M E: “No, sir, the film is in English. It just has the written text at the bottom of the screen in a small black bar. It’s fairly unobtrusive.”
    C USTOMER: “Oh, I get it! It’s for the blind!”

ONE ANNOYED PARANOID
    R ETAIL | N EBRASKA
     
    (I work at the photo department and am checking out a customer with a “Happy Birthday, Grandson!” birthday card.)
     
     
    C USTOMER: “Hello … I only have this one birthday card.”
    M E: “Okay, that’ll be $3.15. I just need your signature on the line, please.”
    (The customer begins to sign her receipt, then pauses. She looks closely at the slip, then looks up at me, angry.)
     
     
    C USTOMER: “N OW how does this know who I am?!”
    M E: “… Excuse me?”
    C USTOMER: “It has my name on it! Right here, below the line! I have never shopped here before. Where did you get my information?”
    M E: “Ma’am, the information comes from your credit card.”
    C USTOMER: “Well!”
    (She signs the slip and gives it to me. I put the slip in the register drawer.)
     
     
    C USTOMER: “And what are you doing with that? It has my information on it. You can’t just keep it!”
    M E: “Umm, we have to keep it. That’s how you pay for things…” *register prompts for a zip code* “… and may I get your zip code, please?”
    C USTOMER: “Why do you need my address?!”
    M E: “Well, American Express needs it. It’s a security measure. And it doesn’t need your whole address, just the zip code.”
    C USTOMER: “This is identity theft! Give me back my signature!”
    M E: “Um, I promise you, I am not. And I can’t open the drawer mid-transaction, but I can call a manager to cancel your transaction.”
    C USTOMER: “You aren’t a cashier! How do I even know you work here?!”
    M E: “Well, here’s my name tag. And my picture is on the wall.”
    C USTOMER: “If you work in the photo department, that could be Photoshopped! You do not work here! I want a manager!”
    M E: “Umm, okay …”*calls manager*
    M ANAGER: “What can I help you with today?”
    C USTOMER: “This thief is stealing my personal identity!”
    M ANAGER: “Excuse me?”
    C USTOMER: “I want my signature back! She is asking too many questions!”
    M ANAGER: “Okay, I will take it from here. So what is your zip code?”
    (My manager takes care of the rest of the transaction. The receipt then prints out…)
     
     
    M ANAGER: “Here you go! Tell your grandson to have a happy birthday!”
    C USTOMER: “AND HOW DO YOU KNOW MY GRANDSON?! YOU PEOPLE STOP AT NOTHING! I AM REPORTING YOU! THIS IS ILLEGAL!” *continues yelling all the way out the door*

COUNTERINTUITIVE CONTRACEPTION
    P HARMACY | W EST M IDLANDS, U NITED K INGDOM
     
    (A female customer brings a pack of condoms to the pharmacy counter.)
     
     
    C USTOMER: “Could I buy these, please?”
    M E: “Certainly!”
    C USTOMER: “Okay, and do I take one of these a day?”
    M E: “Excuse me?”
    C USTOMER: “I have to swallow one of these every day to stop me getting pregnant, right?”

NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT
    J EWELRY S HOP | B ALTIMORE, M ARYLAND
     
    (A customer comes into our mall jewelry shop at about 5:15 p.m.)
     
     
    C USTOMER: “Hey, can you fix this watch for me? It hasn’t been reading the right time for a while now.”
    M E: “Sure, I’ll just take a quick look to see what’s wrong with it. I’ll have a quote ready for you in about ten minutes.”
    C USTOMER: “Ten minutes?”
    (The