because of Quinn but she still craved my company. No one ever
brought up the fucked up situation between us three. I suppose it didn’t matter
in the great scheme of things, although Uncle Jasper always looked at me with a
judgmental eye whenever I turned up to spend time with Sophia. DJ just ignored
me completely and that was worse than him just kicking the shit out of me. I
needed to fix us but didn’t know where to start so I just gave him the space he
needed.
“Sure, where do you want to go?”
“I have a thinking place. I want to show it to you.”
This was new for us, she was sharing something new and
that made my heart happy.
SIXTEEN
Sophia
Arya was home; she didn’t tell me but I could tell her
tummy was rounder than it should be. I’d also found her being sick every
morning, and Mikey running down in the middle of the night to fetch her orange
juice. It made me happy inside to know she could share some good news with our
families soon.
My parents insisted I see a therapist about the rape and
after a couple of sessions I began opening up to her, and it was helping me. I was
diagnosed with a hormone imbalance which causes depression, mix that with what
happened to me and I was a time bomb.
I always blamed myself for the rape. Those boys taunted
me through the entire last year of high school, telling me I let them do what
they did. I believed them and it caused a ripple effect inside me. My dad Derek
made me watch the beginning of the video to show me that I had no control over
what happened. Seeing it on the screen was like being woken up. I sobbed so
hard I thought I’d crack a rib. I was a victim and I let them keep me trapped
as one. We were still waiting for a court hearing and sentencing but all three
of them had admitted to the rape. They’d drugged me.
Quinn would have never been able to get over being there
but not knowing what was happening, and my soul ached to give him peace. I’d
dropped weight with the new meds messing with my appetite - and grief will do
that to you.
I had days where I still shut down and didn’t want anyone
to come close to me but I was slowly coming out of the darkness. Blaydon was
the biggest help, although I felt guilty for the feelings I was realizing I
felt for him. Was I betraying Quinn if I loved Blaydon? My inner voice didn’t
add commentary to my thoughts these days and it was refreshing not to be hated
by my inner self.
I spoke to Anna, my therapist, about the guilt I had
inside for all those ill feelings towards Quinn for being happy and content
with himself when I was drowning under the depression. She explained that my
brain could be my enemy when the chemicals in my body were messed up and that I
never really believed or felt that way about him. Deep down I know she’s right
but I fear he will somehow know now he’s passed that I thought that way at one
time. It’s surreal that he’s gone. I thought I would feel a bigger hole inside
me open up but instead I feel like he is all around me, filling me up and
healing the hollowness I was living with.
“This is it,” I tell Blaydon as we approach the bridge.
“Here?” he questions.
I hand him a letter and bite my lip as I wait for him to
read it. Part of my recovery was to be honest with the people I care about. So
I was taking a huge risk and step sharing a very low part of myself with him.
He looks down at the crumpled paper and I see in my mind
eye what he’s seeing.
I can feel you all forgetting me and I’m not even gone
yet. I know I shouldn’t be this way, that life is full of wonders I’ve yet to
experience. But no matter how hard I tell myself I do, I just don’t want to do
anything but lay under the duvet of my darkness and suffocate, until the noise
in the silence stops screaming at me.
Life for me is like ripping wings from butterflies. No
one sees how wrong I am inside and I can’t breathe in your presence anymore.
I dream of dying, dream of relief from the
brought up the fucked up situation between us three. I suppose it didn’t matter
in the great scheme of things, although Uncle Jasper always looked at me with a
judgmental eye whenever I turned up to spend time with Sophia. DJ just ignored
me completely and that was worse than him just kicking the shit out of me. I
needed to fix us but didn’t know where to start so I just gave him the space he
needed.
“Sure, where do you want to go?”
“I have a thinking place. I want to show it to you.”
This was new for us, she was sharing something new and
that made my heart happy.
SIXTEEN
Sophia
Arya was home; she didn’t tell me but I could tell her
tummy was rounder than it should be. I’d also found her being sick every
morning, and Mikey running down in the middle of the night to fetch her orange
juice. It made me happy inside to know she could share some good news with our
families soon.
My parents insisted I see a therapist about the rape and
after a couple of sessions I began opening up to her, and it was helping me. I was
diagnosed with a hormone imbalance which causes depression, mix that with what
happened to me and I was a time bomb.
I always blamed myself for the rape. Those boys taunted
me through the entire last year of high school, telling me I let them do what
they did. I believed them and it caused a ripple effect inside me. My dad Derek
made me watch the beginning of the video to show me that I had no control over
what happened. Seeing it on the screen was like being woken up. I sobbed so
hard I thought I’d crack a rib. I was a victim and I let them keep me trapped
as one. We were still waiting for a court hearing and sentencing but all three
of them had admitted to the rape. They’d drugged me.
Quinn would have never been able to get over being there
but not knowing what was happening, and my soul ached to give him peace. I’d
dropped weight with the new meds messing with my appetite - and grief will do
that to you.
I had days where I still shut down and didn’t want anyone
to come close to me but I was slowly coming out of the darkness. Blaydon was
the biggest help, although I felt guilty for the feelings I was realizing I
felt for him. Was I betraying Quinn if I loved Blaydon? My inner voice didn’t
add commentary to my thoughts these days and it was refreshing not to be hated
by my inner self.
I spoke to Anna, my therapist, about the guilt I had
inside for all those ill feelings towards Quinn for being happy and content
with himself when I was drowning under the depression. She explained that my
brain could be my enemy when the chemicals in my body were messed up and that I
never really believed or felt that way about him. Deep down I know she’s right
but I fear he will somehow know now he’s passed that I thought that way at one
time. It’s surreal that he’s gone. I thought I would feel a bigger hole inside
me open up but instead I feel like he is all around me, filling me up and
healing the hollowness I was living with.
“This is it,” I tell Blaydon as we approach the bridge.
“Here?” he questions.
I hand him a letter and bite my lip as I wait for him to
read it. Part of my recovery was to be honest with the people I care about. So
I was taking a huge risk and step sharing a very low part of myself with him.
He looks down at the crumpled paper and I see in my mind
eye what he’s seeing.
I can feel you all forgetting me and I’m not even gone
yet. I know I shouldn’t be this way, that life is full of wonders I’ve yet to
experience. But no matter how hard I tell myself I do, I just don’t want to do
anything but lay under the duvet of my darkness and suffocate, until the noise
in the silence stops screaming at me.
Life for me is like ripping wings from butterflies. No
one sees how wrong I am inside and I can’t breathe in your presence anymore.
I dream of dying, dream of relief from the
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