The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse by Robert Rankin

returns to see what you've done to his antique desk.'
    'You were trying to hang yourself Jack beat away bits of desk, getting splinters in his fingers. 'I was saving you.'
    'Ah,' said Eddie, de-looming his face. 'Ah no. I was sobering up. I hang myself in the upright position, then rely on natural seepage, through the feet. Stone cold sober again. Doesn't work for you meat-heads though, does it?'
    'You might at least say sorry.'
    'Why? I didn't break the desk.'
    'Oh, never mind.' Jack climbed once more to his feet. 'I have
such
a hangover,' he said. And, looking up once more, 'How did you manage to climb up that cord in the first place?'
    'Practice,' said Eddie. 'You need a drink.'
    'No, I need breakfast. And the toilet.'
    'The joys of the human digestive system. You should have a drink, though. Bill's hangover cure. His own special concoction. There's some in the desk drawer. Well, what's left of it.'
    Jack rootled about in the desk drawers and finally unearthed a sinister-looking green bottle.
    'That's the kiddie,' said Eddie. 'You have a swig of that.'
    Sighing and muttering by turn, Jack uncorked the bottle, sniffed at the contents, made a face of displeasure, then took a swig.
    He looked at Eddie and Eddie looked at him.
    'It takes a minute or two,' said the bear. 'I'd sit back down, if I were you.'
    Jack sat back down. 'Would you say that I had a good time last night?' he asked.
    'Certainly,' said the bear. 'You had a good time last night.'
    'Did I? Really?'
    'No,' said Eddie. 'Of course you didn't.'
    'Then why did you say that I did?'
    'Because you asked me to. What a strange young man you are.'
    'I'm seriously thinking of going home.' Jack rubbed at his forehead. 'I don't think city life agrees with me.'
    'It doesn't agree with most folk.' Eddie sat down at Jack's feet. 'But then, if you're poor, what kind of life does?'
    'I came here to seek my fortune.'
    'Then I hope you'll share some of it with me when you do. I ran up a bit of a bar tab at Tinto's last night. He wrote it down, in case he forgot about it.'
    'Humpty Dumpty,' said Jack, and he groaned as he said it.
    'Fat and dead.' Eddie plucked bits of fluff off himself. 'In that order.'
    'No. Humpty Dumpty. That was why I got so drunk.'
    'And there was me thinking that it was all the beer you consumed that was to blame.'
    'He was the reason behind all the beer. A nursery rhyme character.'
    'Ah,' said Eddie, once more. 'They don't like that term. They prefer "Preadolescent Poetic Personalities".'
    'They?
That's right, I remember. Miss Muffet, Georgie Porgie, Jack and Jill, the whole sick crew. They're all real people, according to you, and they all live here in the city.'
    'They have to live somewhere.'
    'Not if they don't exist.'
    'Please don't' start all that again, Jack. You went on and on about that last night. "They're not real." "Why not?" "Because I say so." Your conversation became extremely tedious. And very slurred.'
    'Agh! Oooh! Ow! Urgh!'
    'That's easy for you to say.'
    'Aaaaaagh!' Jack clutched at his stomach and fell forward onto Eddie.
    'Get off me.' Eddie flapped about. 'You'll have my seams bursting, get off.'
    Jack got off. 'I'm sorry,' he said, 'but I feel...'
    'How do you feel?'
    'Actually,' Jack looked all around and about, 'actually, I feel excellent. In the very best of health.'
    'Bill's lotion, works every time.'
    'Lotion? Don't you rub lotion on?'
    'Do you? Well, it's all the same, it worked, didn't it?'
    'Yes, it did.' Jack took up Eddie and set him upon the ruins of the desk. 'I'd like some breakfast,' he said. 'And I still need the toilet.'
    'Okey doke,' Eddie grinned. 'But we're still partners, right? You'll help me solve the case? Be my hands, and whatnots?'
    'Whatnots?'
    'We'll not debase our conversation with cheap innuendo, will we, Jack?'
    'Certainly not.' Jack had a big smile on. Til give it a go. I'll help you solve your case, mad as it is. I keep my word. We shook hand and paw and we're partners.'
    'Jolly good, now help me down,