The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse by Robert Rankin Page A

please.'
    Jack helped Eddie down.
    'I want to visit the crime scene,' said the bear. 'I haven't been able to thus far. The authorities won't give clearance to a teddy. But you'll be able to bluff us in, I feel confident of that.'
    'I'm not sure that I do,' said Jack.
    'Well I am, because I'll tell you what to say. Now, you did tell me that you could actually drive a car, didn't you?'
    'In theory,' said Jack.
    'Well, theory and practice are not too far removed. Come on, I'll show you Bill's car. But first we need to clean you up. Get all that blue dye off your face. You smell rank and you could do with a change of clothing and some shoes. I'll kit you out from Bill's wardrobe.'
    'So I can play the part of Bill Winkie.'
    'So you can
be
Bill Winkie. Men all look the same to toys. You'll be able to carry it off.'
    Jack nodded thoughtfully. 'I'm up for it,' he said. 'But I want breakfast.'
    'Do you have money to pay for breakfast?'
    Jack patted his pockets and then shook his head.
    'Perhaps there'll be something to eat at the crime scene,' said Eddie. 'A bit of boiled egg, or something.'
     
    Now, there is a knack to driving a car. Any car. Even one that is powered by a clockwork motor. There is steering to be done and gears to be changed and this involves clutch-work, and, if reversing, looking into mirrors and judging distances. There are all manner of complications and knacks involved. And skills, there are definitely skills. In fact, the remove between theory and practice is a pretty large remove, when it comes to driving a car.
    Let us take, for example, the deceptively simple matter of starting up a car. This is not something that should be attempted in a light-hearted and devil-may-care manner. It's not just a matter of turning a key and putting your foot down somewhere and
brrrrrming
the engine.
    Well, it sort of is.
    But then again, it isn't.
    Jack considered that it probably was. And, it has to be said, when Eddie led him into Bill's garage and Jack switched on the light and beheld
the car,
Jack was heard to remark that it would be 'a-piece-of-the-proverbial' to 'burn that baby'.
    'This phraseology is odd to my ears,' said Eddie. 'Does it mean that you are actually conversant with the whys and wherefores requisite to the
safe
locomotion of this vehicle?'
    Jack rubbed his hands together and grinned broadly.
    'That's not really an answer,' said Eddie.
    'I know clockwork,' said Jack. 'I've worked on cars like this.'
    'Yes, but driven them?'
    'I'm sure I said yes to you last night.'
    'You may have,' said Eddie. 'But we were both pretty out-of-it. I definitely recall you mentioning that there was some "unpleasantness" involved.'
    'We'll have to wind it up first,' said Jack.
    'This much I know.'
    'Then we get in and I drive.'
    'It all sounds so simple when you put it that way.'
    'There's one thing,' said Jack. 'I don't have a driving licence. I'm too young to drive.'
    'I don't think we should let a small detail like that stand in the way of the disaster that immediately awaits us as soon as you get behind the wheel, should we?'
    'You're a most articulate little bear,' said Jack.
    'Don't patronise me,' said Eddie. 'I warned you about that, didn't I?'
    'You did,' said Jack. 'So should I wind?’
    ‘Please wind,' said Eddie.
     
    The car was an Anders Faircloud: pressed tin in the metallic blue of a butterfly's wing. It was long and low and highly finned at the tail, the way that every good car should be (apart from the short stumpy sports ones that go like poop off a scoop and generally come to grief on late night motorways with a celebrity (though rarely a Preadolescent Poetic Personality) in the driving seat). It had pressed tin wheels with breezy wide hubs and big rubber tyres. It was a blinder of an automobile and its all-over glory gave Jack a moment's pause for thought.
    'Eddie,' said Jack.
    ‘Jack?' said Eddie.
    'Eddie,' said Jack. 'This is a superb automobile.'
    'Bill's pride and joy,' said Eddie.
    'So herein lies a