The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse by Robert Rankin Page B

mystery. Why would Bill Winkie not take his car when he went off to wherever he went off to?'
    'What are you suggesting?' Eddie asked.
    'Nothing,' said Jack. 'I was just wondering why he would have gone off and left his precious car behind.'
    'I don't know,' said Eddie. 'Perhaps he didn't take the car because it is such a noticeable car. Perhaps he has gone off somewhere to be incognito. Perhaps he's working on the case, incognito. Is that enough perhapses for you?'
    'Perhaps,' said Jack.
    'Wind the car up,' said Eddie. 'Let's go to the crime scene.'
    'Yes,' said Jack. 'Let's do that.'
     
    Well, there
is
a knack to driving a car.
    And Jack didn't have it.
    No doubt he'd get it, given time, like he would getting drunk. But these things
do
take time, even the getting drunk thing. He was okay on the winding-up part of the procedure, though. There was no doubt about that.
    'No!' howled Eddie as Jack backed out of the garage at speed, before the garage door was actually raised.
    'Stop!' screamed Eddie, as Jack performed a remarkable handbrake turn in the middle of the traffic that moved (quite swiftly) in the street beyond.
    'We're all gonna die!' bellowed Eddie as Jack tore forward on the wrong side of that street.
    'I'm getting the knack of this,' said Jack, gronching the gears and clinging to the steering wheel. 'These things take time. I have the measure of it now.'
    'No you don't!' Eddie ducked down in his seat. Even lower than he already was.
    'Piece of the proverbial.' Jack spun the steering wheel, which at least took him onto the right side of the road. 'Does this car have a music system fitted? One of those music bow wheel-pin contraptions?'
    'Forget the music.' Eddie covered his face.
    'Easy-peasy.' Jack put his foot down somewhere. It was the brake; the car did a bit of a spin; Jack took his foot off the brake. 'What about
that?'
he said.
    'You don't even know where we're going.'
    'Do you?'
    'Yes, the wrong way.'
    'Well, why didn't you say so?’ Jack spun the wheel again. The Anders Faircloud moved from the on-going lane back into the other-going lane, causing much distress amongst the other-going-laners.
    'Got it now,' said Jack. 'Out of the way, fellas!' And he honked the horn.
    'Well, you do know where the horn is.'
    'Do you know what?'
    'What?' said Eddie.
    'I'll tell you what,' said Jack, 'this is great. Do you know that? Great! I'm driving a car. Do you know how great this is for me? This is...'
    'Great?' said Eddie.
    'As great as,' said Jack. 'As wonderful as, in fact. Marvellous. Incredible. I'm enjoying this
so
much.'
    Jack took a sudden right turn, cutting across oncoming traffic and causing much sudden braking from it and much shunting of one car into another.
    'And why did you do
that?'
Eddie asked from beneath the pressed tin dashboard.
    'I don't know. Because I could, I suppose. Where would you like me to drive to?'
    'I'd like you to stop. In fact I'd
love
you to stop.'
    'Well, I'm not going to. So where would you like us to go?'
    'Okay.' Eddie climbed out of his seat and peeped over the dashboard. 'Turn left at the next road and... Jack, do you feel all right?'
    'I feel incredible,' said Jack, 'full of power, do you know what I mean?'
    'It's the lotion.' Eddie covered his face as Jack put his foot down again. 'Bill's lotion, the stuff you were apparently supposed to rub on, rather than drink. I'd never actually seen him doing the actual rubbing in. I sleep late as a rule. I think it's pumped you up rather and... Oh my...'
    Jack went 'Weeeeeeeeee,' and then he went 'Oooooooooooh!' and then he went 'Oh!' and 'Damn.' And then he said, 'We've stopped.'
    'The clockwork's run down,' said Eddie. 'You put it under — how shall we put this? — certain strain.'
    'What a rush,' said Jack, sitting back in the driving seat. 'Did I love that? Or did I not? I loved it. I did. It was wonderful. It was..."
    And then Jack passed from consciousness once more.
    'I think this is going to be a very emotional sort of a