Probably Heidi putting Riley to sleep. I sat on the couch, wondering if I should wait for her to come downstairs or just leave the gift. The note at the end told her what to do next. I liked the idea of not being there when she opened it. I stood and the rocking sound increased. I walked to the bottom of the steps. A man grunted, obviously in pleasure, then the rocking slowed and stopped.
Didn’t take much to realize the woman I desired with all my heart refused to be with me, but was sleeping with another man. On Christmas Eve of all nights.
I took the gift back to my car and sped off, slipping on the ice and regaining control of my car. Why did I fall in love with women who couldn’t love me back? I wanted to punch myself in the face. Over and over until blood poured from my nose and spelled out the words, It’s never worth it.
Ch. 11 | Heidi
Okay, so he was my husband. It’s not like I could deny him my body. In his eyes, I had no reason to. His return from the “dead” should’ve elated me, but for the life of me I couldn’t get Patrick out of my head. Andy practically forced himself on me, thinking it was romantic, you know, with the snow dancing outside on Christmas Eve. So I laid there as he used my body for pleasure. No, not just physically. He needed to feel connected to me again. To feel like we were still one, even though the time and distance had torn us apart.
I let him do his thing as I imagined Patrick. An adulteress. That’s what I felt like. It killed me. Faithfulness was important to me. Being a good wife, mother, friend. Those things were vital to me. About as vital to me as the romance Andy and I lacked.
He finished his need for connection and rolled over. We stared at the soft blue light on the ceiling. Silence chilled the heat between us, wrapping us in its bitter wind. I wanted to love him, but our marriage died when he left. He turned over and touched my cheek. His warmth felt like ice cubes on my skin. I jerked away, then apologized. He touched my shoulder instead.
“What’s happened to us, bug?” he said, eyes searching my face for clues.
I couldn’t tell him that somehow, without being aware of it myself, another man stole my heart and ran away with it. With every part of me I believed my heart was safe. Protected from the care of any man besides Andy. Reserved for when he returned to sweep me off my feet and carry me into a dream. Only he didn’t do any sweeping and my heart, somehow, made its way to Patrick’s dustpan.
“What are you thinking?” he said. The man I once adored.
“I’m wondering how to get my heart back.” I wiped a tear from my face, thankful that I didn’t realize my love for Patrick until now. If I had told him this would’ve been even worse.
“I didn’t expect it to be like this,” Andy said, moonlight reflecting in the whites of his eyes. “I thought you’d be excited and we’d live happily ever after.”
“I did too.” I sniffed.
“What happened?”
“Life happened. You are mostly the same guy who left. I’m not the same girl you left standing here.”
“I still love you.”
Yes, I knew that. For so long I envisioned this day. Thought for sure Andy would come home stronger, less paranoid, more in love with me, brimming and bubbling with romance galore. A new beginning. A beautiful fresh start. A damp spring morning after months of freezing cold.
Nothing seemed beautiful about my life right now. Even my precious daughter brought confusion and pain.
I thought of Tylissa who had a husband facing death penalty and Sarah dealing with pain after burning her entire body. It seemed like a cruel joke. Just when life starts getting good something happens to crush every dream you thought you had. Reality sets in. Waters down the mood. Flattens every romantic notion the heart believed in.
Life is not like the movies. It’s not perfect. It’s flawed, like a puzzle with missing pieces. Never complete. Never whole. Always searching,
Didn’t take much to realize the woman I desired with all my heart refused to be with me, but was sleeping with another man. On Christmas Eve of all nights.
I took the gift back to my car and sped off, slipping on the ice and regaining control of my car. Why did I fall in love with women who couldn’t love me back? I wanted to punch myself in the face. Over and over until blood poured from my nose and spelled out the words, It’s never worth it.
Ch. 11 | Heidi
Okay, so he was my husband. It’s not like I could deny him my body. In his eyes, I had no reason to. His return from the “dead” should’ve elated me, but for the life of me I couldn’t get Patrick out of my head. Andy practically forced himself on me, thinking it was romantic, you know, with the snow dancing outside on Christmas Eve. So I laid there as he used my body for pleasure. No, not just physically. He needed to feel connected to me again. To feel like we were still one, even though the time and distance had torn us apart.
I let him do his thing as I imagined Patrick. An adulteress. That’s what I felt like. It killed me. Faithfulness was important to me. Being a good wife, mother, friend. Those things were vital to me. About as vital to me as the romance Andy and I lacked.
He finished his need for connection and rolled over. We stared at the soft blue light on the ceiling. Silence chilled the heat between us, wrapping us in its bitter wind. I wanted to love him, but our marriage died when he left. He turned over and touched my cheek. His warmth felt like ice cubes on my skin. I jerked away, then apologized. He touched my shoulder instead.
“What’s happened to us, bug?” he said, eyes searching my face for clues.
I couldn’t tell him that somehow, without being aware of it myself, another man stole my heart and ran away with it. With every part of me I believed my heart was safe. Protected from the care of any man besides Andy. Reserved for when he returned to sweep me off my feet and carry me into a dream. Only he didn’t do any sweeping and my heart, somehow, made its way to Patrick’s dustpan.
“What are you thinking?” he said. The man I once adored.
“I’m wondering how to get my heart back.” I wiped a tear from my face, thankful that I didn’t realize my love for Patrick until now. If I had told him this would’ve been even worse.
“I didn’t expect it to be like this,” Andy said, moonlight reflecting in the whites of his eyes. “I thought you’d be excited and we’d live happily ever after.”
“I did too.” I sniffed.
“What happened?”
“Life happened. You are mostly the same guy who left. I’m not the same girl you left standing here.”
“I still love you.”
Yes, I knew that. For so long I envisioned this day. Thought for sure Andy would come home stronger, less paranoid, more in love with me, brimming and bubbling with romance galore. A new beginning. A beautiful fresh start. A damp spring morning after months of freezing cold.
Nothing seemed beautiful about my life right now. Even my precious daughter brought confusion and pain.
I thought of Tylissa who had a husband facing death penalty and Sarah dealing with pain after burning her entire body. It seemed like a cruel joke. Just when life starts getting good something happens to crush every dream you thought you had. Reality sets in. Waters down the mood. Flattens every romantic notion the heart believed in.
Life is not like the movies. It’s not perfect. It’s flawed, like a puzzle with missing pieces. Never complete. Never whole. Always searching,
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