Another tiny huff at the understatement. Anne closed her eyes again but not before heâd seen a flash of agreement. Evenâ¦what, hope ?
âIâm really tired right now,â she said.
âIâll leave you to rest, then.â He couldnât push her, however much heâd like to find out what sheâd been thinking before sheâd closed her eyes. She had to be totally exhausted, both physically and emotionally. He understood that. He knew this wasnât the time to talk but David still hesitated. Opened his mouth to say something else.
As though sensing his intention, Anne turned her head to face away from him. There was nothing for it but to respect the dismissal and leave.
Â
Anne kept her eyes tightly closed.
She wanted to talk to David. Of course she did. He deserved an explanation. An apology even, but she couldnât find the words right now. Not while she was feeling like this. As though she had lost something infinitely precious.
Something she would never be able to find again.
It didnât seem to matter how tightly she kept her eyes squeezed shut.
Her tears still managed to escape.
CHAPTER FOUR
S HE couldnât stop thinking about him.
The way heâd looked, standing at the end of her bed the other night. The light may have been subdued but there had been no mistaking the look of pain on his features.
Sheâd seen that look before. More than once in those difficult, final weeks of their relationship, when the distance between them had become an unbridgeable gulf. The unspoken messages were so eloquent.
I donât want this.
Itâs unbearable.
Why has it come to this?
How did it all go so terribly wrong?
Can we fix it?
Noâ¦
The lines etched on Davidâs face may have been personal but his body language and actions had been nothing but professional. The way heâd stood with the length of the bed between them. The way heâd reached to pick up her chart instead of touching her .
âEverythingâs looking good,â heâd said.
Couldnât he see that she was desperately unhappy?That it was beginning to seem like a huge mistake, being a human incubator for someone else? It had become such a huge part of her life, being so intimately connected to the two tiny beings growing inside her.
She would never forget feeling those first movements. So subtle they had felt like nothing more than a stream of tiny bubbles. Being so aware of the strength increasing as the weeks went on. Strong movements then, that had often startled her. An uncomfortable prod from an elbow or a kick that could make the skin on her stomach bulge and make her laugh in a mixture of amazement and amusement.
And the hiccups that had felt like a clock ticking inside her. The soft flutters that could only be felt from deep within and she would imagine her babies sleeping. A leg brushing against another limb perhaps or a reach to hold hands as sheâd seen ultrasound pictures of twins doing in the womb.
Whoa! Her babies?
Anne sighed deeply and dragged herself up from the armchair sheâd been sitting in for hours now. A still unopened medical journal slid from her lap to the floor.
That was the problem in a nutshell, wasnât it? They had never been her babies. Juliaâs eggs. Macâs sperm. Yes, sheâd had custody of the precious little lives for eight months but theyâd never been hers . Sheâd known that all along. Sheâd thought she was more than prepared for how it would feel to hand them over. Sheâd never for a moment expected it to feel as though something was being ripped away from her soul.
For it to have been so hard.
Tears were slipping down her face and she scrubbed at them angrily. What had Jules said that day? That she never cried. Well, sheâd made up for it in the last few days, thatâs for sure, and today was the worst yet. She was like a tap in dire need of a plumberâs attention today.
So
âIâm really tired right now,â she said.
âIâll leave you to rest, then.â He couldnât push her, however much heâd like to find out what sheâd been thinking before sheâd closed her eyes. She had to be totally exhausted, both physically and emotionally. He understood that. He knew this wasnât the time to talk but David still hesitated. Opened his mouth to say something else.
As though sensing his intention, Anne turned her head to face away from him. There was nothing for it but to respect the dismissal and leave.
Â
Anne kept her eyes tightly closed.
She wanted to talk to David. Of course she did. He deserved an explanation. An apology even, but she couldnât find the words right now. Not while she was feeling like this. As though she had lost something infinitely precious.
Something she would never be able to find again.
It didnât seem to matter how tightly she kept her eyes squeezed shut.
Her tears still managed to escape.
CHAPTER FOUR
S HE couldnât stop thinking about him.
The way heâd looked, standing at the end of her bed the other night. The light may have been subdued but there had been no mistaking the look of pain on his features.
Sheâd seen that look before. More than once in those difficult, final weeks of their relationship, when the distance between them had become an unbridgeable gulf. The unspoken messages were so eloquent.
I donât want this.
Itâs unbearable.
Why has it come to this?
How did it all go so terribly wrong?
Can we fix it?
Noâ¦
The lines etched on Davidâs face may have been personal but his body language and actions had been nothing but professional. The way heâd stood with the length of the bed between them. The way heâd reached to pick up her chart instead of touching her .
âEverythingâs looking good,â heâd said.
Couldnât he see that she was desperately unhappy?That it was beginning to seem like a huge mistake, being a human incubator for someone else? It had become such a huge part of her life, being so intimately connected to the two tiny beings growing inside her.
She would never forget feeling those first movements. So subtle they had felt like nothing more than a stream of tiny bubbles. Being so aware of the strength increasing as the weeks went on. Strong movements then, that had often startled her. An uncomfortable prod from an elbow or a kick that could make the skin on her stomach bulge and make her laugh in a mixture of amazement and amusement.
And the hiccups that had felt like a clock ticking inside her. The soft flutters that could only be felt from deep within and she would imagine her babies sleeping. A leg brushing against another limb perhaps or a reach to hold hands as sheâd seen ultrasound pictures of twins doing in the womb.
Whoa! Her babies?
Anne sighed deeply and dragged herself up from the armchair sheâd been sitting in for hours now. A still unopened medical journal slid from her lap to the floor.
That was the problem in a nutshell, wasnât it? They had never been her babies. Juliaâs eggs. Macâs sperm. Yes, sheâd had custody of the precious little lives for eight months but theyâd never been hers . Sheâd known that all along. Sheâd thought she was more than prepared for how it would feel to hand them over. Sheâd never for a moment expected it to feel as though something was being ripped away from her soul.
For it to have been so hard.
Tears were slipping down her face and she scrubbed at them angrily. What had Jules said that day? That she never cried. Well, sheâd made up for it in the last few days, thatâs for sure, and today was the worst yet. She was like a tap in dire need of a plumberâs attention today.
So
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