The Ministry of SUITs by Paul Gamble

environmentally friendly and also saves a fortune on the electricity bills.
    Goldmoss is an unusual plant in that it generates light. Like all plants, goldmoss is afraid of the dark. Anyone who knows anything about botany can tell you that plants are afraid of the dark. During the day daisies, sunflowers, daffodils … all flowers, in fact, are perfectly happy. That’s why they look so pretty and turn their faces to the sun. But if you ever look at plants, you will know that at night they close their petals. Some scientists were confused by this and came up with elaborate reasons why. They even went as far as to talk about photosynthesis and how plants can turn light into food. Of course this is patently ridiculous. If you could turn sunlight into food, then people with tans would always be fat. But quite often the opposite is the truth. People with tans tend to be thin. Which is absolute proof that sunlight can’t be turned into food.
    The real reason that plants close up at night is that they are terrified of the dark. They scrunch themselves up and hide until the morning comes.
    Goldmoss is so frightened of the dark that it actually produces its own light. Therefore when you poke it, it panics and lets out a burst of light.
    Most plants are afraid all the time. Which is why they never go anywhere. If they were brave, they might go for a walk and see what was around the corner. Generally plants don’t do this as they are paralyzed (literally) with fear.
    Occasionally a really old tree that has grown very tall will be brave enough to go for a wander. But this rarely happens. When Ministry Operatives notice that a tree has gone for a walk they will put up a sign to warn people, lest they get crushed beneath its enormous roots. You may have occasionally seen these signs—they say “Heavy Plant Crossing.”
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    10
    VANITY, THY NAME IS STATUE
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    â€œI really don’t want to leave,” said Jack. “But equally I don’t want to be crushed.” Jack knew he had to get past the statues. His curiosity always seemed to get worse when someone wanted to stop him from finding out things. If he had to choose between a hundred pounds or a mystery box, Jack would pick the mystery box every time.
    â€œWe are the door guardians,” said one of the statues. “If we allowed people to get through the doors, we wouldn’t be doing a very good job, would we?”
    â€œCan we at least talk about it?” pleaded Jack.
    â€œOh,” said the statue as its hands dropped back to its sides. “I, uhh, I suppose we don’t have to smash you straightaway.”
    â€œYeah,” said the second statue, “didn’t we learn something about that in the customer-care seminar the management made us go on?”
    â€œI’d rather not be smashed,” said Jack. “I’d just like to go through the door. That would be excellent customer service.”
    â€œI think that would be a step too far,” said one of the statues.
    â€œYeah, I mean if door guardians let people through doors, then what use are they?”
    Jack pondered this. “Well, you really do make a pair of splendidly beautiful statues.”
    The statues laughed. “We know we aren’t attractive. Look at our barely carved heads,” one statue pointed out.
    The other statue chortled along. “Exactly, and look at our teeth. They’re just stalactites and stalagmites.”
    Jack felt that flattery was the route to try. “I disagree; in fact the both of you look very noble. Maybe you should forget about guarding the doors and just try looking decorative. That’s what most statues do, isn’t it?”
    The statues looked unconvinced. Jack would have to try harder.
    â€œLook, we’re all friends here, aren’t we.…” Jack realized that he didn’t know what the statues’ names were. “Umm, what should I call you?”
    â€œI’m