The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did by Don Stewart Page A
Authors: Don Stewart
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food. The frontiersmen quickly noted Charbonneau's young Indian bride, either with dismay or envy.WHILE BEING MOCKED ABOUT HIS WIFE'S MILEY CYRUS — LIKE AGE, CHARBONNEAU PROCLAIMED THAT HIS PHILOSOPHY ON WOMEN WAS “GO YOUNG OR GO HOME.”After spending months on end with forty men in the wilderness, most of the men wished Sacagawea had brought a sister along so they could stop contemplating trips to Brokeback Mountain.
The Motley Crew Comes Home (Sweet Home)
Lewis and Clark, their forty-man road crew, their Frenchman, and his underage wife finally made it to the Pacific Ocean in November 1805. Disappointed to learn that the banks of the Pacific Ocean were not fertile training grounds for strippers or Indian casinos, the dream team headed back east in March of 1806. Although presumed dead, the group returned after a long and grueling journey.
They were handsomely compensated for their efforts with both land and monetary rewards. While Clark went on to handle Indian affairs for the government out west, Lewis celebrated his accomplishments by committing suicide a few years later. Like most government projects, the expedition had gone past deadline and over budget. The original $2,500 budget came in at a cool $38,722, and Ben Bernake posted notices everywhere criticizing the government's lack of fiscal control.
Jefferson never got to live his dream of a trail to the Orient or the importation of lap dancers of any kind. Despite being unable to execute a simple reelection strategy from “Politics 101: Influence donors and key supporters with exotic strippers,” Jefferson was still able to get re-elected and lead our nation for four more years.
1812–1815 T HE W AR OF 1812
Americans hated the British like Bill Clinton hates monogamy
Not Ready, but Willing
The war of 1812 started off with unprepared foes. Like a couple of horny teenagers fresh out of condoms, who have sworn off abstinence in favor of protected sex, the willingness was there but the preparation had been overlooked. Britain was a frequent war participator and found it hard to turn down any invitation to fight, regardless of distance or cause. At the time that they accepted America's invite for conflict in the United States, they already had their hands full with Napoleon's drive for total European domination. As for the home team, the American's were severely underfunded and underrepresented. Their navy was reminiscent of that of a 1600's landlocked third-world nation.THE TERM “SHIP” WAS USED LOOSELY, AND THE TERM “DINGY” WAS GENERALLY MORE ACCURATE.But despite the lack of stockpiled resources on both sides, shots began firing and people started dying in August 1812.
Coming off the heels of the Intolerable Acts, Americans hated the British like Bill Clinton hates monogamy. In an effort to eliminate the British from all of North America, the American military launched a series of wildly popular and unsuccessful attacks into the maple syrup — producing nation of Canada.
As retribution for American off ensive efforts, the superior maritime vessels of the British formed a blockade around the U.S. coast, killing trade and sending the economy down like a $10 hooker. Despite their economic woes, the outgunned American forces continued to attempt to rid the continent of the pesky British and lay claim to their fair share of the sweet flavored pancake topper from Canada.
To the Victors Go the Status Quo
For the most part, the first couple of years of the war were uneventful for both sides. Both militaries enjoyed a series of back-and-forth victories and losses. Much of the landscape remained similar to what it was before the conflict began. For the monarch-worshipping British, the turning point came when Napoleon's European efforts were defeated. With the menacing Napoleon taken care of, the British were able to redistribute their armed forces and resources to the action here in the United States.
Reloaded with redeployed battle-tested veterans,
The Motley Crew Comes Home (Sweet Home)
Lewis and Clark, their forty-man road crew, their Frenchman, and his underage wife finally made it to the Pacific Ocean in November 1805. Disappointed to learn that the banks of the Pacific Ocean were not fertile training grounds for strippers or Indian casinos, the dream team headed back east in March of 1806. Although presumed dead, the group returned after a long and grueling journey.
They were handsomely compensated for their efforts with both land and monetary rewards. While Clark went on to handle Indian affairs for the government out west, Lewis celebrated his accomplishments by committing suicide a few years later. Like most government projects, the expedition had gone past deadline and over budget. The original $2,500 budget came in at a cool $38,722, and Ben Bernake posted notices everywhere criticizing the government's lack of fiscal control.
Jefferson never got to live his dream of a trail to the Orient or the importation of lap dancers of any kind. Despite being unable to execute a simple reelection strategy from “Politics 101: Influence donors and key supporters with exotic strippers,” Jefferson was still able to get re-elected and lead our nation for four more years.
1812–1815 T HE W AR OF 1812
Americans hated the British like Bill Clinton hates monogamy
Not Ready, but Willing
The war of 1812 started off with unprepared foes. Like a couple of horny teenagers fresh out of condoms, who have sworn off abstinence in favor of protected sex, the willingness was there but the preparation had been overlooked. Britain was a frequent war participator and found it hard to turn down any invitation to fight, regardless of distance or cause. At the time that they accepted America's invite for conflict in the United States, they already had their hands full with Napoleon's drive for total European domination. As for the home team, the American's were severely underfunded and underrepresented. Their navy was reminiscent of that of a 1600's landlocked third-world nation.THE TERM “SHIP” WAS USED LOOSELY, AND THE TERM “DINGY” WAS GENERALLY MORE ACCURATE.But despite the lack of stockpiled resources on both sides, shots began firing and people started dying in August 1812.
Coming off the heels of the Intolerable Acts, Americans hated the British like Bill Clinton hates monogamy. In an effort to eliminate the British from all of North America, the American military launched a series of wildly popular and unsuccessful attacks into the maple syrup — producing nation of Canada.
As retribution for American off ensive efforts, the superior maritime vessels of the British formed a blockade around the U.S. coast, killing trade and sending the economy down like a $10 hooker. Despite their economic woes, the outgunned American forces continued to attempt to rid the continent of the pesky British and lay claim to their fair share of the sweet flavored pancake topper from Canada.
To the Victors Go the Status Quo
For the most part, the first couple of years of the war were uneventful for both sides. Both militaries enjoyed a series of back-and-forth victories and losses. Much of the landscape remained similar to what it was before the conflict began. For the monarch-worshipping British, the turning point came when Napoleon's European efforts were defeated. With the menacing Napoleon taken care of, the British were able to redistribute their armed forces and resources to the action here in the United States.
Reloaded with redeployed battle-tested veterans,
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