The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did by Don Stewart
Authors: Don Stewart
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distractions of running the day-to-day operations of the country annoying and time consuming. There never seemed to be enough Tom time. No time to sit down, relax, and just daydream anymore. In fact, the only time T.J. got for himself was the time spent on the presidential commode. While locked up in the latrine, he often dreamed of an expedition to the western portion of the continent. The land was undiscovered, and Jefferson hoped to find a path to the Orient to increase U.S. trade and import wild Asian strippers to help entertain donors for his reelection campaignTHE ONLY THING HOLDING HIM BACK WAS HIS FEAR OF A FRENCH GUY WITH A LITTLE-MAN'S COMPLEX, NAPOLEON BONAPARTE.Bonaparte and the French were holding claims on the land that stood between Jefferson and the discovery of the Northwest Passage. Never the bully and always the bullied, Jefferson was fearful of sending explorers into the western wilderness and stepping on Bonaparte's miniature French toes. Jefferson's fears were eased when Bonaparte offered to sell the 90,000 square miles west of the Mississippi River.
Jefferson jumped on the opportunity and sent Bonaparte $15 million to finance his continued destruction of Europe. In retrospect, many Americans feel we were screwed on the deal. The land purchased by T.J. became Arkansas (we could have done without), Iowa (definitely didn't need), Kansas (still don't need), Minnesota (see Iowa), Montana (a place for people who don't like people), Missouri (see Arkansas), Nebraska (nice addition — everyone likes corn), South Dakota (even the Indians won't take it back), and Wyoming (see Montana).
During his time in office, under the direction of White House senior advisor Karl Rove, President Bush approached the French government requesting a refund for Missouri and Minnesota. Rove promised Bush he could use the refund to buy two dozen Hell Fire missiles and a three pack of the 20,000 pound bunker buster bombs to inflict additional suffering on the people of Iraq. Predictably, Dick Cheney offered to run the purchase through Halliburton and keep the Democrats in the dark about George's new toys.
Building the Dream Team
With no shortage of qualified candidates and plenty of out-of-work explorers to choose from, T.J. did what any sitting president would do. He hired a crony. Landing the job of director of western expansion was Meriwether Lewis. Realizing the trip was no weekend getaway and would likely last years, Lewis knew that he had to find a co-captain who was willing to swear off sex for a considerable period of time.
With no luck at the local seminary school, Lewis decided to ask born-again virgin and former military commander William Clark to be his co-captain. With the help of Lewis, Clark was able to assemble a cast of forty men who had more interest in rowing a canoe than getting laid to accompany them on their adventure out west.
HELP WANTED: ADVENTURERS WANTED! CAPABLE OUTDOORSMEN NEEDED FOR EPIC TRIP INTO THE UNKNOWN. REQUIRED SKILLS INCLUDE CARTOGRAPHY, COOKING, WILDLIFE TAMING, NAVIGATION, ABILITY TO GO LONG PERIODS WITHOUT FOOD OR WATER, ABILITY TO WALK FOR HOURS AND/OR RUN FOR YOUR LIFE WHILE CARRYING HEAVY LOADS OF LIFE-SUSTAINING SUPPLIES, AND GENERALLY FENDING OFF DEATH ON A DAILY BASIS. NO DEGREE REQUIRED. ONLY FORTY POSITIONS AVAILABLE, PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
We'll Have a Gay Old Time
Known as seasoned travelers, Lewis and Clark always packed each other's stuff the night before a trip. And on May 14, 1804, Lewis, Clark, and approximately forty soon-to-be-sexually-suppressed men headed west.
As the adventurers moved on, and the long journey progressed, the team picked up some groupies, namely Toussaint Charbonneau and his fourteen-year-old Native American wife, Sacagawea. While most of today's fourteen-year-olds spend their time text messaging nude pictures of themselves, Sacagawea acted as guide and translator for Lewis and Clark, helping them trade with local Indian tribes for much-needed
Jefferson jumped on the opportunity and sent Bonaparte $15 million to finance his continued destruction of Europe. In retrospect, many Americans feel we were screwed on the deal. The land purchased by T.J. became Arkansas (we could have done without), Iowa (definitely didn't need), Kansas (still don't need), Minnesota (see Iowa), Montana (a place for people who don't like people), Missouri (see Arkansas), Nebraska (nice addition — everyone likes corn), South Dakota (even the Indians won't take it back), and Wyoming (see Montana).
During his time in office, under the direction of White House senior advisor Karl Rove, President Bush approached the French government requesting a refund for Missouri and Minnesota. Rove promised Bush he could use the refund to buy two dozen Hell Fire missiles and a three pack of the 20,000 pound bunker buster bombs to inflict additional suffering on the people of Iraq. Predictably, Dick Cheney offered to run the purchase through Halliburton and keep the Democrats in the dark about George's new toys.
Building the Dream Team
With no shortage of qualified candidates and plenty of out-of-work explorers to choose from, T.J. did what any sitting president would do. He hired a crony. Landing the job of director of western expansion was Meriwether Lewis. Realizing the trip was no weekend getaway and would likely last years, Lewis knew that he had to find a co-captain who was willing to swear off sex for a considerable period of time.
With no luck at the local seminary school, Lewis decided to ask born-again virgin and former military commander William Clark to be his co-captain. With the help of Lewis, Clark was able to assemble a cast of forty men who had more interest in rowing a canoe than getting laid to accompany them on their adventure out west.
HELP WANTED: ADVENTURERS WANTED! CAPABLE OUTDOORSMEN NEEDED FOR EPIC TRIP INTO THE UNKNOWN. REQUIRED SKILLS INCLUDE CARTOGRAPHY, COOKING, WILDLIFE TAMING, NAVIGATION, ABILITY TO GO LONG PERIODS WITHOUT FOOD OR WATER, ABILITY TO WALK FOR HOURS AND/OR RUN FOR YOUR LIFE WHILE CARRYING HEAVY LOADS OF LIFE-SUSTAINING SUPPLIES, AND GENERALLY FENDING OFF DEATH ON A DAILY BASIS. NO DEGREE REQUIRED. ONLY FORTY POSITIONS AVAILABLE, PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
We'll Have a Gay Old Time
Known as seasoned travelers, Lewis and Clark always packed each other's stuff the night before a trip. And on May 14, 1804, Lewis, Clark, and approximately forty soon-to-be-sexually-suppressed men headed west.
As the adventurers moved on, and the long journey progressed, the team picked up some groupies, namely Toussaint Charbonneau and his fourteen-year-old Native American wife, Sacagawea. While most of today's fourteen-year-olds spend their time text messaging nude pictures of themselves, Sacagawea acted as guide and translator for Lewis and Clark, helping them trade with local Indian tribes for much-needed
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