navigate my body towards the comfort I craved, but knowing that whichever way I turned, he was gone and I would find none.
I stumbled out of the heavy oak front door, wanting nothing more than to be outside so I could release the feeling of panic that was pressing on my chest. My body automatically led me down to
the jetty and I was relieved to see the Laser moored there. I climbed aboard, raised the sails and released the lines.
As I steered away from shore, I felt the wind was good, so I hoisted the spinnaker and blasted along the lake as fast as I could go. Eventually, having exhausted myself, I dropped anchor in an
inlet shielded by a rocky peninsula.
I waited for my thoughts to flow, to try and make sense of what I’d just learnt. Currently, they were so jumbled that nothing much happened and I simply stared out over the water like an
idiot thinking of absolutely nothing. And wishing I could grasp something that would allow me to understand. The tangled threads of my consciousness refused to loop into the devastating facts of
what actually
was
. Being present at what had obviously been Pa Salt’s funeral . . . why had
I
been there to see it? Was there a reason? Or was it just coincidence?
Gradually, as my heart rate began to slow and my brain eventually started to function again, the stark reality hit me. Pa Salt was gone, and there probably
was
no rhyme or reason. And
if I, the eternal optimist, was going to get through this, I simply had to accept the facts for what they were. Yet all the normal touchstones I used when something dreadful happened seemed null
and void, empty platitudes that were swept away on the tide of my grief and disbelief. I realised that whichever way my mind led me, the familiar paths of comfort had disappeared and nothing would
ever
make me feel better about my father leaving me without saying goodbye.
I sat there in the stern of the boat for a long time, knowing that another day was passing here on earth without him as part of it. And that somehow, I had to reconcile the dreadful guilt I felt
for putting my own happiness first, when my sisters – and Pa – had so desperately needed me. I’d let them all down at the most important moment of all. I looked up to the heavens,
tears streaming down my cheeks, and asked Pa Salt for his forgiveness.
I gulped down some water, then lay back in the stern to let the warm breeze dance over me. The gentle rocking of the craft soothed me as it always did, and I even dozed a little.
The moment is all we have, Ally. Never forget that, will you?
I came to, thinking that this had been one of Pa’s favourite quotes. And even though I continued to blush in embarrassment at what I’d probably been doing with Theo when Pa drew his
last breath – that stark juxtaposition of the processes of life beginning and ending – I told myself it wouldn’t have mattered to him or the universe if I’d simply been
having a cup of tea or been fast asleep. And I knew that, more than anyone, my father would have been very happy that I’d found someone like Theo.
As I set sail back to Atlantis, I felt a little calmer. There was still, however, one piece of information I had left out of the description I’d given my sisters of how I’d come
across Pa’s boat. I knew I needed to share it with someone to try and make sense of it.
As with all large groups of siblings, there were various tribes within the whole; Maia and I were the eldest and it was to her that I decided to confide what I’d seen.
I moored the Laser to the jetty and made my way back up to the house, the weight on my chest at least feeling lighter than it had when I’d left. A breathless Marina caught up with me on
the lawn and I greeted her with a forlorn smile.
‘Ally, have you been out on the Laser?’
‘Yes. I just needed some time to clear my head.’
‘Well, you’ve just missed everyone. They’ve gone out on the lake.’
‘Everyone?’
‘Not Maia. She’s shut herself
I stumbled out of the heavy oak front door, wanting nothing more than to be outside so I could release the feeling of panic that was pressing on my chest. My body automatically led me down to
the jetty and I was relieved to see the Laser moored there. I climbed aboard, raised the sails and released the lines.
As I steered away from shore, I felt the wind was good, so I hoisted the spinnaker and blasted along the lake as fast as I could go. Eventually, having exhausted myself, I dropped anchor in an
inlet shielded by a rocky peninsula.
I waited for my thoughts to flow, to try and make sense of what I’d just learnt. Currently, they were so jumbled that nothing much happened and I simply stared out over the water like an
idiot thinking of absolutely nothing. And wishing I could grasp something that would allow me to understand. The tangled threads of my consciousness refused to loop into the devastating facts of
what actually
was
. Being present at what had obviously been Pa Salt’s funeral . . . why had
I
been there to see it? Was there a reason? Or was it just coincidence?
Gradually, as my heart rate began to slow and my brain eventually started to function again, the stark reality hit me. Pa Salt was gone, and there probably
was
no rhyme or reason. And
if I, the eternal optimist, was going to get through this, I simply had to accept the facts for what they were. Yet all the normal touchstones I used when something dreadful happened seemed null
and void, empty platitudes that were swept away on the tide of my grief and disbelief. I realised that whichever way my mind led me, the familiar paths of comfort had disappeared and nothing would
ever
make me feel better about my father leaving me without saying goodbye.
I sat there in the stern of the boat for a long time, knowing that another day was passing here on earth without him as part of it. And that somehow, I had to reconcile the dreadful guilt I felt
for putting my own happiness first, when my sisters – and Pa – had so desperately needed me. I’d let them all down at the most important moment of all. I looked up to the heavens,
tears streaming down my cheeks, and asked Pa Salt for his forgiveness.
I gulped down some water, then lay back in the stern to let the warm breeze dance over me. The gentle rocking of the craft soothed me as it always did, and I even dozed a little.
The moment is all we have, Ally. Never forget that, will you?
I came to, thinking that this had been one of Pa’s favourite quotes. And even though I continued to blush in embarrassment at what I’d probably been doing with Theo when Pa drew his
last breath – that stark juxtaposition of the processes of life beginning and ending – I told myself it wouldn’t have mattered to him or the universe if I’d simply been
having a cup of tea or been fast asleep. And I knew that, more than anyone, my father would have been very happy that I’d found someone like Theo.
As I set sail back to Atlantis, I felt a little calmer. There was still, however, one piece of information I had left out of the description I’d given my sisters of how I’d come
across Pa’s boat. I knew I needed to share it with someone to try and make sense of it.
As with all large groups of siblings, there were various tribes within the whole; Maia and I were the eldest and it was to her that I decided to confide what I’d seen.
I moored the Laser to the jetty and made my way back up to the house, the weight on my chest at least feeling lighter than it had when I’d left. A breathless Marina caught up with me on
the lawn and I greeted her with a forlorn smile.
‘Ally, have you been out on the Laser?’
‘Yes. I just needed some time to clear my head.’
‘Well, you’ve just missed everyone. They’ve gone out on the lake.’
‘Everyone?’
‘Not Maia. She’s shut herself
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