Jeremy?” I ask her as she
comes towards me. “Oh uncle Draven came and got him. They are
looking at motorcycles.” Bell says with a huge smile. I just nod
and look back down. “Everything is going to be fine Tracker.” Bell
says as she hugs me around my neck. I reach up and grab her hand as
I start to cry. “I killed a guy tonight Bell. I shot him in the
head like he was nothing. He was someone’s kid Bell. I don’t know
how to be a father. I don’t know how to be anything.” I say to her
as she comes around in front of me. Bell kneels down in front of me
now. “You will be a great father. You are a great man and Jeremy
couldn’t have gotten a better person to be his dad.” She says as I
look up at her. “She didn’t want him Bell. She wrote me a note.
Because he has down syndrome, she didn’t want him. What kind of
person says that? She didn’t want me and then she didn’t want my
son either.” I say as I look at her. “I want you Tracker. I want
Jeremy.” She says with a smile on her face. I grab her and pull her
into my lap kissing her. I don’t know how I go this lucky. “You two
trying to make him a sister?” Draven says as he walks out the back
door carrying Jeremy. “Not yet man. I don’t even know what to do
with this one.” I say pointing at Jeremy. “I think he is tired man.
Jimmy has the crib set up.” Draven says as Bell jumps up and rushes
to him. “Come on Mama’s going to get you in some pajamas.” She says
as she takes Jeremy from Draven. She smiles back at me as she walks
in the door. “What the hell was that?” Draven asks me smiling.
“That is my family.” I say pointing towards the door. I stand up
and look over at Draven. “Hope I can do this man.” I say as I walk
to the door.
I go in and head straight to my room. Bell is
lying on the bed curled up with Jeremy asleep next to her. I smile
at the sight of them both. Bell looks up and smiles at me. “Come
lay with us.” She says as I walk over to the bed. I strip off my
clothes and climb into bed. I rub Jeremy’s head. “He’s perfect.”
Bell says softly. “Yea he is.” I say as I look at the smile on
Bell’s face. “This isn’t what I had planned for you Bell.” I say
and I need to be honest. I can’t shake the feeling that she is
being pushed into this because of me. “What do you mean?” She asks
as she props herself up on her elbow. “I mean I feel like you’re
being pushed into this because of me Bell. You didn’t plan on this.
I didn’t either but that is my problem to deal with not yours.” I
say as I roll over and face the wall. She doesn’t say anything and
I don’t want her too. I want her to think about what she wants. I
know she didn’t plan on being a mother right now at least not in
this way. The fact that we just have gotten together doesn’t pass
my mind either. I'm throwing her right into the middle of a family
when we just started to get to know each other. None of this
escapes my mind as I try to fall asleep. Sleep doesn’t come easy
and when it does I'm jolted awake but a nightmare. I can see that
man’s face in my dream but as I pull the trigger his face turns
into Jeremy’s. I jump up and look over at Bell and Jeremy snuggled
together asleep. I stand up and walk to the bathroom. I stand there
looking in the mirror and I can’t help but see a fucking murderer.
I killed that man like he was nothing.
7 months later and the guys are
planning a huge birthday party for Jeremy’s
2 nd birthday. I should be more
into it but I'm not. These last 7 months have been hell on me. I
don’t sleep and I can’t fucking function like a normal person. Me
and Bell barely talk anymore. Some nights she even takes Jeremy
into her old room but I can’t seem to find it in me to care either.
I walk around like a fucking zombie most days. The dreams keep
coming and I can’t make them stop. “We are taking Jeremy to get his
hair cut for his party. You coming?” Bell says as she walks up
comes towards me. “Oh uncle Draven came and got him. They are
looking at motorcycles.” Bell says with a huge smile. I just nod
and look back down. “Everything is going to be fine Tracker.” Bell
says as she hugs me around my neck. I reach up and grab her hand as
I start to cry. “I killed a guy tonight Bell. I shot him in the
head like he was nothing. He was someone’s kid Bell. I don’t know
how to be a father. I don’t know how to be anything.” I say to her
as she comes around in front of me. Bell kneels down in front of me
now. “You will be a great father. You are a great man and Jeremy
couldn’t have gotten a better person to be his dad.” She says as I
look up at her. “She didn’t want him Bell. She wrote me a note.
Because he has down syndrome, she didn’t want him. What kind of
person says that? She didn’t want me and then she didn’t want my
son either.” I say as I look at her. “I want you Tracker. I want
Jeremy.” She says with a smile on her face. I grab her and pull her
into my lap kissing her. I don’t know how I go this lucky. “You two
trying to make him a sister?” Draven says as he walks out the back
door carrying Jeremy. “Not yet man. I don’t even know what to do
with this one.” I say pointing at Jeremy. “I think he is tired man.
Jimmy has the crib set up.” Draven says as Bell jumps up and rushes
to him. “Come on Mama’s going to get you in some pajamas.” She says
as she takes Jeremy from Draven. She smiles back at me as she walks
in the door. “What the hell was that?” Draven asks me smiling.
“That is my family.” I say pointing towards the door. I stand up
and look over at Draven. “Hope I can do this man.” I say as I walk
to the door.
I go in and head straight to my room. Bell is
lying on the bed curled up with Jeremy asleep next to her. I smile
at the sight of them both. Bell looks up and smiles at me. “Come
lay with us.” She says as I walk over to the bed. I strip off my
clothes and climb into bed. I rub Jeremy’s head. “He’s perfect.”
Bell says softly. “Yea he is.” I say as I look at the smile on
Bell’s face. “This isn’t what I had planned for you Bell.” I say
and I need to be honest. I can’t shake the feeling that she is
being pushed into this because of me. “What do you mean?” She asks
as she props herself up on her elbow. “I mean I feel like you’re
being pushed into this because of me Bell. You didn’t plan on this.
I didn’t either but that is my problem to deal with not yours.” I
say as I roll over and face the wall. She doesn’t say anything and
I don’t want her too. I want her to think about what she wants. I
know she didn’t plan on being a mother right now at least not in
this way. The fact that we just have gotten together doesn’t pass
my mind either. I'm throwing her right into the middle of a family
when we just started to get to know each other. None of this
escapes my mind as I try to fall asleep. Sleep doesn’t come easy
and when it does I'm jolted awake but a nightmare. I can see that
man’s face in my dream but as I pull the trigger his face turns
into Jeremy’s. I jump up and look over at Bell and Jeremy snuggled
together asleep. I stand up and walk to the bathroom. I stand there
looking in the mirror and I can’t help but see a fucking murderer.
I killed that man like he was nothing.
7 months later and the guys are
planning a huge birthday party for Jeremy’s
2 nd birthday. I should be more
into it but I'm not. These last 7 months have been hell on me. I
don’t sleep and I can’t fucking function like a normal person. Me
and Bell barely talk anymore. Some nights she even takes Jeremy
into her old room but I can’t seem to find it in me to care either.
I walk around like a fucking zombie most days. The dreams keep
coming and I can’t make them stop. “We are taking Jeremy to get his
hair cut for his party. You coming?” Bell says as she walks up
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