to
me at the bar. I don’t answer her I just shake my head. “You know
what Tracker…. Just fuck it.” She says as she walks past me with
Jeremy. I don’t care about much these days anyway. I sit at the bar
drinking like I do every fucking day for the last 7 months. That’s
about the best I can do. “You ok man?” Sly says as he sits down
next to me. “Perfect.” I say as I stand up and head back to my
room. I sit on the bed and just think about shit. Why am I so
fucked up? It isn’t like I have never killed before because I have.
I guess the fact that I have never done it in cold blood is what’s
getting to me. I stand up and walk over to the dresser and pull out
my gun. I stand there looking at it like it might talk back to me.
I just want this shit to be over with. I don’t deserve this life. I
stick the gun in the back of my pants and walk out the side door
and head around to the back yard. I drag a chair over to where the
tall grass starts in the field and pull my gun back out. I sit down
looking at the field. What if I could just be free? Can I end it
all? Leave my family? I haven’t been anything for them anyway the
last few months. I have been a worthless shell of a man. I sit
there looking out at the field with the gun in my lap when I hear
someone behind me but I don’t fucking care to see who it is. I feel
a hand on my shoulder as I turn my head and look up. “What’s going
man?” Draven says looking at the gun in my lap. “Go back inside
man.” I say to him and look back at the field. I hear him take a
few steps back and then I hear him talking, I'm guessing on the
phone. “Hey Garrick get Prez and you two get the fuck out back. No
Now man.” He says and then it’s quiet.
“ What’s going on?” I hear Garrick
coming up behind me. “We have a little situation here.” Draven says
as I hear them all come closer. “Tracker?” Prez says as he walks in
front of me with a chair and sits down. The other guys do the same
thing. Prez tries to reach for the gun but I just tighten my grip.
“What’s wrong Tracker?” Garrick says looking at me. “The dreams
won’t stop man. I keep seeing that man’s face but it turns into
Jeremy’s. They keep getting worse. All I see is Jeremy and fuck man
I can’t do this shit anymore.” I say and to me it is void of any
emotion. The guys probably think I'm a fucking loser. “Damn it
Tracker why haven’t you came to us?” Prez says as I shake my head.
“And tell you what? That my head is completely fucked? That I'm so
fucking lost I can’t find myself? That I'm fucking weak?” I snap at
him as Draven stands up. “You Tracker are my best fucking friend!
You are not fucking weak. You might be lost man but you can always
get help coming back!” Draven snaps as he walks off past me. “Look
man. We can get you some help. That doesn’t mean you’re weak, it
means you’re a person. It means you’re fucking human.” Garrick says
as he reaches out his hand towards me. “I don’t know man. I don’t
know how to do this shit anymore.” I say as tears come to my eyes.
Prez stands up and steps towards me. “You are my son, Tracker. All
of you boys are my family. I don’t think you are fucking weak or
fucked up. I think you had a shit ton of bad things fall on you all
at once and it knocked you on your ass. But we are all standing
here to fucking pull your ass back up. You get me?” He says as I
look up. I pass the gun to Garrick and he sticks it in the back of
his pants as he pats me on the shoulder. I grab Prez’s extended
hand as he pulls me up and hugs me. I hear the door open again but
I don’t look to see who it is. Then I hear Jeremy. He is yelling,
“dada.” I turn with tears in my eyes as my little boy comes running
towards me. I reach down and grab him up and hold him to me. The
guys slap my back and walk back towards the door when I see Bell
standing there. She starts to walk towards me and I'm frozen in
place.
“ Draven told me
me at the bar. I don’t answer her I just shake my head. “You know
what Tracker…. Just fuck it.” She says as she walks past me with
Jeremy. I don’t care about much these days anyway. I sit at the bar
drinking like I do every fucking day for the last 7 months. That’s
about the best I can do. “You ok man?” Sly says as he sits down
next to me. “Perfect.” I say as I stand up and head back to my
room. I sit on the bed and just think about shit. Why am I so
fucked up? It isn’t like I have never killed before because I have.
I guess the fact that I have never done it in cold blood is what’s
getting to me. I stand up and walk over to the dresser and pull out
my gun. I stand there looking at it like it might talk back to me.
I just want this shit to be over with. I don’t deserve this life. I
stick the gun in the back of my pants and walk out the side door
and head around to the back yard. I drag a chair over to where the
tall grass starts in the field and pull my gun back out. I sit down
looking at the field. What if I could just be free? Can I end it
all? Leave my family? I haven’t been anything for them anyway the
last few months. I have been a worthless shell of a man. I sit
there looking out at the field with the gun in my lap when I hear
someone behind me but I don’t fucking care to see who it is. I feel
a hand on my shoulder as I turn my head and look up. “What’s going
man?” Draven says looking at the gun in my lap. “Go back inside
man.” I say to him and look back at the field. I hear him take a
few steps back and then I hear him talking, I'm guessing on the
phone. “Hey Garrick get Prez and you two get the fuck out back. No
Now man.” He says and then it’s quiet.
“ What’s going on?” I hear Garrick
coming up behind me. “We have a little situation here.” Draven says
as I hear them all come closer. “Tracker?” Prez says as he walks in
front of me with a chair and sits down. The other guys do the same
thing. Prez tries to reach for the gun but I just tighten my grip.
“What’s wrong Tracker?” Garrick says looking at me. “The dreams
won’t stop man. I keep seeing that man’s face but it turns into
Jeremy’s. They keep getting worse. All I see is Jeremy and fuck man
I can’t do this shit anymore.” I say and to me it is void of any
emotion. The guys probably think I'm a fucking loser. “Damn it
Tracker why haven’t you came to us?” Prez says as I shake my head.
“And tell you what? That my head is completely fucked? That I'm so
fucking lost I can’t find myself? That I'm fucking weak?” I snap at
him as Draven stands up. “You Tracker are my best fucking friend!
You are not fucking weak. You might be lost man but you can always
get help coming back!” Draven snaps as he walks off past me. “Look
man. We can get you some help. That doesn’t mean you’re weak, it
means you’re a person. It means you’re fucking human.” Garrick says
as he reaches out his hand towards me. “I don’t know man. I don’t
know how to do this shit anymore.” I say as tears come to my eyes.
Prez stands up and steps towards me. “You are my son, Tracker. All
of you boys are my family. I don’t think you are fucking weak or
fucked up. I think you had a shit ton of bad things fall on you all
at once and it knocked you on your ass. But we are all standing
here to fucking pull your ass back up. You get me?” He says as I
look up. I pass the gun to Garrick and he sticks it in the back of
his pants as he pats me on the shoulder. I grab Prez’s extended
hand as he pulls me up and hugs me. I hear the door open again but
I don’t look to see who it is. Then I hear Jeremy. He is yelling,
“dada.” I turn with tears in my eyes as my little boy comes running
towards me. I reach down and grab him up and hold him to me. The
guys slap my back and walk back towards the door when I see Bell
standing there. She starts to walk towards me and I'm frozen in
place.
“ Draven told me
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