Why Me? by Neil Forsyth Page A

squeezing the odd vegetable, mouthing stuff across crowded rooms and sending each other notes. However, if we were to do that then I’d rather we were mouthing ‘Isn’t this room crowded?’ and the notes said ‘How’s tricks? Fancy watching Zulu at mine on Saturday morning?’
    I thought we were going to be friends and talk about Army stuff but there seems to have been a terrible mix-up.
    Bob
    ----------------
    From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: So Sorry
    OMG . . . am so sorry about all this, i also met a woman online and i thought she was the one that has been mailing me. You said about naked and I thought that meant you were a women. Anyways it’s okay we can always be friend. Tell me more about you my friend and yes what do you need to hear on life in the Army.
    Gary
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
    Subject: Army
    Gary,
    Don’t worry about getting it horribly wrong on the skirt front because I know how that feels. My pals will probably write ‘He got it horribly wrong on the skirt front’ on my gravestone. They probably would too, the terrible bastards.
    My Army questions are really just the ones you must get all the time:
    How big is your gun?
    Have you ever killed anyone?
    Can you do a forward roll while running? What I mean by that is would you have to stop running and do the forward roll or could you go straight from running into the forward roll?
    All the best,
    Bob
    ----------------
    From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: RE: Army
    Hi Bob,
    Yes I have a gun like all Marines. We have different guns for different situations. We don’t just shoot anyhow or anybody but i have shot 4 bad men on their leg while trying to run off to explosive area and some passed away but they are all bad Muslim and corrupted people. Yes I think I could do run and roll as this is the kind of thing we train to do Bob.
    I can’t talk too great right now. We are short of troops and also we got trapped in the desert where mines were everywhere so we have to go back inside the Capital until the whole mines was taking out. It’s seriously messy out here for now Bob. We also ran out of ammo until the rush team came in and help us out. It is just for the grace of God that kept us all alive.
    Have been hearing about the situation in Libya, please my friend tell me some more.
    Your good friend,
    Gary
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
    Subject: Bad Times
    Gary,
    Good to hear from you and sorry to hear things are getting so hairy. I’m glad you can do the run and roll and I strongly suggest you use it the next time you’re in a pickle. It’s a move that catches people seriously off guard. I used it at Dundee train station a few weeks ago in an attempt to get past the new barriers they’ve put in. Although I failed to get past the barriers, and was knocked out for fifteen minutes, the major reaction from the punters was an intense respect. 19
    I’m having my own problems over here just now, Gary. Broughty Ferry Bowling Club are holding their elections and I’ve thrown my hat in the ring as Social Secretary. I should be an absolute shoo-in for the role but there’s a guy Archie standing against me and he’s got the ear of the committee. I’m trying to find out what’s going on and will keep you posted.
    Keep running pal,
    Bob
    PS No idea on Libya, the Dundee Courier aren’t big on foreign news. 20 I do however know of the boy Gaddafi because of the famous rhyme –
    If you’re going to a cafe
    Don’t invite Gaddafi
    ----------------
    From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Hello
    My Friend,
    Thank you for telling me about your life. It sounds like this club of yours has people with closed minds. This is not what I believe. I believe in freedom and this was one of the reasons I took this path. Now here in Afghanistan I am