jealous.”
“Jealous? Jealous of what?”
“My happiness. You can’t stand it when other people enjoy themselves. No, with Savannah it’s all about self-loathing and depression.”
“Excuse me! Walk a mile in my shoes and then tell me why I should believe in the fairytales.”
“I was with you through most of it, Savannah. I know full well what you’ve been through, but what’s the point of surviving all of it if you refuse to live your life? Moping around your apartment and answering calls at work is not living. Life is out there!” she yells, throwing open the curtains and pointing out of the window. The bright beams of sunlight have me scattering away like a vampire. “You have to let go of the darkness, Savannah.”
“I don’t hold onto it; I’ve made peace with it. I don’t strive to be anything but okay, and then it doesn’t attack me anymore.”
“What? Do you hear yourself? It’s not a person hell bent on revenge! Who’s the immature person now? You refuse to be happy because you’re scared it’ll be taken from you. That’s a terrible way to go through life.”
“Don’t you see? It’s not about living; it’s about surviving. Just surviving is enough to make me happy.”
“Darling, you need to look up the definition of happy because your version of it’s very distorted.”
“I need to get dressed. I told Grampy I’d visit today,” I say, rising from the sofa. Lizzy pushes me back down.
“None of it was your fault. You shouldn’t feel guilty, Savannah.”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say, trying to push past her.
“Savannah, don’t ignore me. Listen to me. You. Bear. No. Guilt.”
“Stop it,” I say, covering my ears, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Get it out. You’ll feel better. You’re bottling things up again.”
“Would you shut up! Why won’t you leave me alone? Just leave me alone,” I say, swallowing hard so that the tears that threaten to spill will remain trapped.
Lizzy softens her tone, “I know you better than anyone. Ever since Grampy took a turn for the worse, you’ve been even more reclusive than usual, and I’m not just talking about your holing up in this place. I’m talking about emotionally, as well as physically. You’re right; you’re a survivor and the strongest person I know. I envy your strength, but with every tragedy, a little piece of you dies. I see it. My fear is that eventually there’ll only be a shell of you left behind, and that would be the most tragic of all. I love you, Savannah, and I don’t ever want to lose you.”
“You’re right,” I admit with downcast eyes, “I have been shutting down. Grampy’s about to die, and besides you, he’s all I have left in my life. Can you even begin to fathom how much that’s going to hurt? Of course I’m going to do what I have to so I can protect myself from that pain.”
Lizzy pushes the hair off of my shoulder and offers me a slight smile. “Of course you are. Just don’t go too far with it. You’re on the cusp. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t warn you about it?”
“A better liked one, that’s for sure.”
“Ha, ha. You can tell me all about last night while you get dressed,” Lizzy requests while shooing me towards the bedroom.
“Wait. Are you really getting married?” I ask.
“I am.” She grins broadly.
“When?”
“Next month.”
“Are you serious? Next month! That’s…,” Lizzy cuts me off with an arched brow, “…amazing news. I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you,” she beams, “There’s not a doubt in my mind that Ben is my soul mate. We are one hundred percent meant to be together forever.”
“One hundred? Not sixty-forty? Seventy-thirty?”
“One hundred,” Lizzy asserts. I shrug.
“What do your parents have to say about it?” I ask.
Lizzy and her parents don’t have the best of
“Jealous? Jealous of what?”
“My happiness. You can’t stand it when other people enjoy themselves. No, with Savannah it’s all about self-loathing and depression.”
“Excuse me! Walk a mile in my shoes and then tell me why I should believe in the fairytales.”
“I was with you through most of it, Savannah. I know full well what you’ve been through, but what’s the point of surviving all of it if you refuse to live your life? Moping around your apartment and answering calls at work is not living. Life is out there!” she yells, throwing open the curtains and pointing out of the window. The bright beams of sunlight have me scattering away like a vampire. “You have to let go of the darkness, Savannah.”
“I don’t hold onto it; I’ve made peace with it. I don’t strive to be anything but okay, and then it doesn’t attack me anymore.”
“What? Do you hear yourself? It’s not a person hell bent on revenge! Who’s the immature person now? You refuse to be happy because you’re scared it’ll be taken from you. That’s a terrible way to go through life.”
“Don’t you see? It’s not about living; it’s about surviving. Just surviving is enough to make me happy.”
“Darling, you need to look up the definition of happy because your version of it’s very distorted.”
“I need to get dressed. I told Grampy I’d visit today,” I say, rising from the sofa. Lizzy pushes me back down.
“None of it was your fault. You shouldn’t feel guilty, Savannah.”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say, trying to push past her.
“Savannah, don’t ignore me. Listen to me. You. Bear. No. Guilt.”
“Stop it,” I say, covering my ears, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Get it out. You’ll feel better. You’re bottling things up again.”
“Would you shut up! Why won’t you leave me alone? Just leave me alone,” I say, swallowing hard so that the tears that threaten to spill will remain trapped.
Lizzy softens her tone, “I know you better than anyone. Ever since Grampy took a turn for the worse, you’ve been even more reclusive than usual, and I’m not just talking about your holing up in this place. I’m talking about emotionally, as well as physically. You’re right; you’re a survivor and the strongest person I know. I envy your strength, but with every tragedy, a little piece of you dies. I see it. My fear is that eventually there’ll only be a shell of you left behind, and that would be the most tragic of all. I love you, Savannah, and I don’t ever want to lose you.”
“You’re right,” I admit with downcast eyes, “I have been shutting down. Grampy’s about to die, and besides you, he’s all I have left in my life. Can you even begin to fathom how much that’s going to hurt? Of course I’m going to do what I have to so I can protect myself from that pain.”
Lizzy pushes the hair off of my shoulder and offers me a slight smile. “Of course you are. Just don’t go too far with it. You’re on the cusp. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t warn you about it?”
“A better liked one, that’s for sure.”
“Ha, ha. You can tell me all about last night while you get dressed,” Lizzy requests while shooing me towards the bedroom.
“Wait. Are you really getting married?” I ask.
“I am.” She grins broadly.
“When?”
“Next month.”
“Are you serious? Next month! That’s…,” Lizzy cuts me off with an arched brow, “…amazing news. I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you,” she beams, “There’s not a doubt in my mind that Ben is my soul mate. We are one hundred percent meant to be together forever.”
“One hundred? Not sixty-forty? Seventy-thirty?”
“One hundred,” Lizzy asserts. I shrug.
“What do your parents have to say about it?” I ask.
Lizzy and her parents don’t have the best of
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