she said in a low voice, surprised at how even a whisper filled the tiny cell.
Lili’s voice rose as she added to her recitation. “Consult God more than your books,” the catechism said. “Do not commit the error of vanity when you see the fruit of your learning. Knowledge is a gift from the Almighty, and should not be attributed to your intellect or hard work.” Dear Monsieur Rousseau, she dictated mentally to the air. I thought I should let you know I have just learned that God wrote Emile. And right now, I certainly wish he hadn’t.”
She felt her black mood sliding into giddiness and let it happen. “Pride, vanity, and a desire to be better than others, or to attract admiration, are motives that reason and religion should teach you to renounce,” she said, marching three steps across her cell and then back again, as if to the drumbeat of a military band. She checked the text. “Oh, sorry—that’s despise and renounce. Mustn’t forget the importance of despising!”
The thud in her chest was so sudden and strong it pushed Lili down onto the bed. “What am I doing?” She put her hands in front of her face. “I believe in you, dear God,” she whispered, feeling her hot breath trickle through her fingers. “And in your Son.” She let hereyes go up to the crucifix she had been deliberately avoiding. “With all my heart I know you are there, but these words don’t have your love in them at all.”
Wiping away with her fingers the tears making their way down her face, she looked up at Jesus. “If what the nuns say is true, and this is really what you want of me, please help me understand, and I’ll accept. But if it isn’t, can you please help me get out of this horrible place?”
Lili got up and paced the few steps of the cell, solemnly reciting the text she had now learned in its entirety. When she said it a second time without mistakes, she banged on the door until her hands ached, but no one answered. With nothing more to do, she lay down on the cot and fell asleep.
She woke to the sound of a key in the door. “I’ve brought a new candle,” Sister Jeanne-Bertrand said. “So you can continue your work.”
“It must have gone out when I dozed off,” Lili said, rubbing her eyes to see the nun better in the dim light.
“You were asleep?” Sister Jeanne-Bertrand sounded as horrified as if she had just walked in on the devil hovering over Lili’s bed. “You were supposed to be working.”
Lili got up and smoothed her skirt. “I finished,” she said, casting a glance up at Jesus for support. “I’m ready to see the abbess.”
A predatory glint flickered in the nun’s eyes.
“Well then,” she said, “let’s find out.”
ABBESS MARIE-CATHERINE LOOKED up from the papers on her desk. “Is there some problem?” Her eyes darted between Lili and Sister Jeanne-Bertrand in search of an explanation for Lili’s return in only a few hours.
“She says she’s memorized the whole thing,” the nun said.
The abbess stood up. “If this is a ploy—”
“To sanctify your studies you should observe three things,” Lilibroke in. She droned her way through the essay, and when she got to the end, she cast a quick glance at Sister Jeanne-Bertrand. Her face was flushed and her eyes had narrowed to slits. “Is this some kind of trick?” she hissed, looking at the abbess as if she too might be sensing an evil presence lurking in the room.
Marie-Catherine’s face was expressionless behind her black patch. “You are quite a clever girl,” she said. “But you haven’t finished.”
“That’s the end,” Lili protested. “That’s all you asked me to do.”
The abbess arched her eyebrows and wagged her finger as she read from the catechism. “I offer to you, My God, in honor of the actions and grievous sufferings of our Lord Jesus Christ …” Sister Jeanne-Bertrand crossed herself. The abbess looked at Lili. “You did not memorize the prayer also?”
“I didn’t know I was
Lili’s voice rose as she added to her recitation. “Consult God more than your books,” the catechism said. “Do not commit the error of vanity when you see the fruit of your learning. Knowledge is a gift from the Almighty, and should not be attributed to your intellect or hard work.” Dear Monsieur Rousseau, she dictated mentally to the air. I thought I should let you know I have just learned that God wrote Emile. And right now, I certainly wish he hadn’t.”
She felt her black mood sliding into giddiness and let it happen. “Pride, vanity, and a desire to be better than others, or to attract admiration, are motives that reason and religion should teach you to renounce,” she said, marching three steps across her cell and then back again, as if to the drumbeat of a military band. She checked the text. “Oh, sorry—that’s despise and renounce. Mustn’t forget the importance of despising!”
The thud in her chest was so sudden and strong it pushed Lili down onto the bed. “What am I doing?” She put her hands in front of her face. “I believe in you, dear God,” she whispered, feeling her hot breath trickle through her fingers. “And in your Son.” She let hereyes go up to the crucifix she had been deliberately avoiding. “With all my heart I know you are there, but these words don’t have your love in them at all.”
Wiping away with her fingers the tears making their way down her face, she looked up at Jesus. “If what the nuns say is true, and this is really what you want of me, please help me understand, and I’ll accept. But if it isn’t, can you please help me get out of this horrible place?”
Lili got up and paced the few steps of the cell, solemnly reciting the text she had now learned in its entirety. When she said it a second time without mistakes, she banged on the door until her hands ached, but no one answered. With nothing more to do, she lay down on the cot and fell asleep.
She woke to the sound of a key in the door. “I’ve brought a new candle,” Sister Jeanne-Bertrand said. “So you can continue your work.”
“It must have gone out when I dozed off,” Lili said, rubbing her eyes to see the nun better in the dim light.
“You were asleep?” Sister Jeanne-Bertrand sounded as horrified as if she had just walked in on the devil hovering over Lili’s bed. “You were supposed to be working.”
Lili got up and smoothed her skirt. “I finished,” she said, casting a glance up at Jesus for support. “I’m ready to see the abbess.”
A predatory glint flickered in the nun’s eyes.
“Well then,” she said, “let’s find out.”
ABBESS MARIE-CATHERINE LOOKED up from the papers on her desk. “Is there some problem?” Her eyes darted between Lili and Sister Jeanne-Bertrand in search of an explanation for Lili’s return in only a few hours.
“She says she’s memorized the whole thing,” the nun said.
The abbess stood up. “If this is a ploy—”
“To sanctify your studies you should observe three things,” Lilibroke in. She droned her way through the essay, and when she got to the end, she cast a quick glance at Sister Jeanne-Bertrand. Her face was flushed and her eyes had narrowed to slits. “Is this some kind of trick?” she hissed, looking at the abbess as if she too might be sensing an evil presence lurking in the room.
Marie-Catherine’s face was expressionless behind her black patch. “You are quite a clever girl,” she said. “But you haven’t finished.”
“That’s the end,” Lili protested. “That’s all you asked me to do.”
The abbess arched her eyebrows and wagged her finger as she read from the catechism. “I offer to you, My God, in honor of the actions and grievous sufferings of our Lord Jesus Christ …” Sister Jeanne-Bertrand crossed herself. The abbess looked at Lili. “You did not memorize the prayer also?”
“I didn’t know I was
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