He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter
Authors: Steven Carter
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alcohol, or set up a peculiar system that allows them to dissociate from what they are doing.
For example, Paul is a schoolteacher. That means he has a definite set schedule. But as Paul explains it, he is able to tolerate his job because he is home every day by three-thirty and has long vacations and many holidays. Also, he has never stayed with any one school district for more than two years.
Brittany is an art director for a large company. The conditions of her job are such that, despite her long hours, she has no set arrival time, is free to arrange her own schedule, and is able to leave the office for long stretches in order to work with clients. Even so she resents it when she is expected to be a part of general scheduled meetings at the agency where she works.
You can see that what is most appealing to people like Paul and Brittany is self-employment, or work situations that allow a great deal of flexibility.
If you are conflicted about commitment—any kind of commitment—you’re not alone. Here is a fact: The vast majority of us, to one degree or another, are afraid of commitment. We all feel some conflict about it . Despite this, some people are able to deal with their fears and forge lasting, meaningful, and loving relationships. But many others find themselves repeating self-destructive and unsatisfying patterns of relating, and they don’t know why.
CHAPTER TWO
Commitment Fears and Commitment Fantasies
A COMMITMENTPHOBIC RESPONSE
“Just the idea of agreeing to be with another human being for the rest of my life makes my heart pound. Sometimes when I’m with my girlfriend, I feel as though somebody is about to cut off my air supply and that my survival depends on my getting away.”
—SCOTT
Obviously Scott is not in any real physical danger from his longtime girlfriend, but he has anxieties and fears that he doesn’t understand. He is unable to be realistic about his relationships, he is unable to take things one day at a time, and he is unable to make reasonable and carefully thought-out decisions about his personal life. He hates living alone, but whenever he gets close to being fully committed, he focuses on “forever”; this triggers physical and/or emotional reactions that seem uncontrollable. We call this response commitmentphobia.
Commitmentphobia is a claustrophobic response to intimate relationships. The dictionary defines claustrophobia as a fear of enclosed or narrow spaces. To a commitmentphobic that’s what a relationship symbolizes—an enclosed space in which he or she may get stuck. Commitmentphobia comes with all the classic phobic symptoms:
Headaches
Gastrointestinal disturbances
Nausea
Nervousness
Excessive sweating
Chills
Intense anxiety
Palpitations
Hyperventilation
Labored breathing
Suffocating sensations
A general sense of dread
As most of us know, these are all “fight or flight” responses—the body’s way of mobilizing itself against a threat. And it is how people with severe and active commitment conflicts respond when they feel they are involved in a romantic situation that bears the trappings of permanency. The brain sends a message to the body: “I’m terrified.” And the body sends a message back: “Danger! Get OUT! NOW!”
You don’t have to be in any real physical danger for the body to mobilize its defenses. If you perceive something as a threat, then the body reacts as though there is indeed a very real threat. “Give me liberty or give me death!” it cries. “Fifty-four forty or fight!” “Not another nickel to the King!” Whether you know it or not, your body has gone to war.
Why war? What’s so scary that such drastic action is called for? And who is the foe? For someone with a genuine commitmentphobic response, the foe is the relationship itself. It’s the loss of freedom that’s frightening. If on some very visceral level you equate commitment with the loss of freedom, then commitment may be anxiety provoking or even truly
For example, Paul is a schoolteacher. That means he has a definite set schedule. But as Paul explains it, he is able to tolerate his job because he is home every day by three-thirty and has long vacations and many holidays. Also, he has never stayed with any one school district for more than two years.
Brittany is an art director for a large company. The conditions of her job are such that, despite her long hours, she has no set arrival time, is free to arrange her own schedule, and is able to leave the office for long stretches in order to work with clients. Even so she resents it when she is expected to be a part of general scheduled meetings at the agency where she works.
You can see that what is most appealing to people like Paul and Brittany is self-employment, or work situations that allow a great deal of flexibility.
If you are conflicted about commitment—any kind of commitment—you’re not alone. Here is a fact: The vast majority of us, to one degree or another, are afraid of commitment. We all feel some conflict about it . Despite this, some people are able to deal with their fears and forge lasting, meaningful, and loving relationships. But many others find themselves repeating self-destructive and unsatisfying patterns of relating, and they don’t know why.
CHAPTER TWO
Commitment Fears and Commitment Fantasies
A COMMITMENTPHOBIC RESPONSE
“Just the idea of agreeing to be with another human being for the rest of my life makes my heart pound. Sometimes when I’m with my girlfriend, I feel as though somebody is about to cut off my air supply and that my survival depends on my getting away.”
—SCOTT
Obviously Scott is not in any real physical danger from his longtime girlfriend, but he has anxieties and fears that he doesn’t understand. He is unable to be realistic about his relationships, he is unable to take things one day at a time, and he is unable to make reasonable and carefully thought-out decisions about his personal life. He hates living alone, but whenever he gets close to being fully committed, he focuses on “forever”; this triggers physical and/or emotional reactions that seem uncontrollable. We call this response commitmentphobia.
Commitmentphobia is a claustrophobic response to intimate relationships. The dictionary defines claustrophobia as a fear of enclosed or narrow spaces. To a commitmentphobic that’s what a relationship symbolizes—an enclosed space in which he or she may get stuck. Commitmentphobia comes with all the classic phobic symptoms:
Headaches
Gastrointestinal disturbances
Nausea
Nervousness
Excessive sweating
Chills
Intense anxiety
Palpitations
Hyperventilation
Labored breathing
Suffocating sensations
A general sense of dread
As most of us know, these are all “fight or flight” responses—the body’s way of mobilizing itself against a threat. And it is how people with severe and active commitment conflicts respond when they feel they are involved in a romantic situation that bears the trappings of permanency. The brain sends a message to the body: “I’m terrified.” And the body sends a message back: “Danger! Get OUT! NOW!”
You don’t have to be in any real physical danger for the body to mobilize its defenses. If you perceive something as a threat, then the body reacts as though there is indeed a very real threat. “Give me liberty or give me death!” it cries. “Fifty-four forty or fight!” “Not another nickel to the King!” Whether you know it or not, your body has gone to war.
Why war? What’s so scary that such drastic action is called for? And who is the foe? For someone with a genuine commitmentphobic response, the foe is the relationship itself. It’s the loss of freedom that’s frightening. If on some very visceral level you equate commitment with the loss of freedom, then commitment may be anxiety provoking or even truly
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