He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter Page A
Authors: Steven Carter
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terrifying. Your body gets prepared to help you escape. It will respond to that relationship the same way it would respond if you were a claustrophobic trapped in an elevator, an airplane, a crowd, or a closet.
DIFFERENT LEVELS OF FEAR
Of course not everyone experiences his or her fear of commitment in the same way. Fear can range from severe to more subtle. For example:
• Overwhelming panic is the best way to describe reactions that are both immediate and intense. The minute the relationship gets “tight,” fear sets in. These men and women can’t help but recognize what they are feeling.
Adam, a forty-two-year-old photographer, describes the feeling: “With every woman I’ve been with I’ve experienced that moment of terror when the relationship suddenly hits the place where I’m no longer a guy trying to get a woman to like me. That’s the point where everything turns around—instead of being the pursuer, I’m the pursued. The woman likes me and is making noises like she’s thinking of marriage, and I feel like I’m being hunted, and I’m screaming for air. I always find a way out. Usually I have to make some excuse, like I’m moving to Alaska for six months. I try to get out without hurting anyone. Impossible of course. Someone is always hurt, but I have to do it. There is no other way.”
Meg, also forty-two, says that she experiences a similar reaction: “Several men have asked me to marry them, and each time I say yes, I stop breathing. The last one was two years ago. I had just turned forty, and I remember thinking, Go ahead, marry him! Make your parents happy! It won’t be so bad. You can have a child right away, and then when the child is fourteen, you can get divorced. You’ll only be fifty-five—you can still have some life left . But I couldn’t do it, because after I said yes, I became phobic about everything—trains, buses, cars. One night I made him walk home with me from Penn Station to Eighty-sixth Street because I couldn’t get into any vehicle with him. I completely lost it.”
• Anxiety ranging from mild to intense is the way many men and women with commitment conflicts describe their feelings. This group rarely feels outright panic, and the symptoms of fear, or phobia, may be so subtle and so seemingly disconnected from the relationship that at first they are only vaguely aware of what’staking place. But when the anxiety hangs around long enough, they become acutely aware of their discomfort. Sometimes this type of anxiety translates into actual physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomachaches, or back pain. Often the symptoms don’t emerge until after a commitment has taken place.
Janice, a thirty-six-year-old woman, was recently married for the second time. She told us, “In my first marriage I was uncomfortable and nervous all the time. I felt like I was jumping out of my skin. But I blamed that on my first husband. Within weeks of this marriage I started to feel the same thing. I can’t blame my second husband. He’s not doing anything. I just feel the walls closing in on me.”
Anthony, an accountant, says that although he has never felt actual panic, he is aware of his anxiety. “I know I’m nervous about commitment because I get this anxious feeling in my stomach whenever I let anything get too close. The first time it happened, I was going out with this woman at work, and I thought I had the flu. I felt sick for close to four weeks. Whenever I would go to the office, I would feel sick. When I went home, I felt better. Finally I figured it out. I don’t think it was the woman’s fault. I just got anxious when she was around. Eventually we broke up, and then two years later, when I started seeing another woman seriously, the same thing happened. It’s a real problem.”
• Controlled fear is the feeling expressed by those men and women who acknowledge their conflicts and who are attempting to lead their lives in a way that compensates for their
DIFFERENT LEVELS OF FEAR
Of course not everyone experiences his or her fear of commitment in the same way. Fear can range from severe to more subtle. For example:
• Overwhelming panic is the best way to describe reactions that are both immediate and intense. The minute the relationship gets “tight,” fear sets in. These men and women can’t help but recognize what they are feeling.
Adam, a forty-two-year-old photographer, describes the feeling: “With every woman I’ve been with I’ve experienced that moment of terror when the relationship suddenly hits the place where I’m no longer a guy trying to get a woman to like me. That’s the point where everything turns around—instead of being the pursuer, I’m the pursued. The woman likes me and is making noises like she’s thinking of marriage, and I feel like I’m being hunted, and I’m screaming for air. I always find a way out. Usually I have to make some excuse, like I’m moving to Alaska for six months. I try to get out without hurting anyone. Impossible of course. Someone is always hurt, but I have to do it. There is no other way.”
Meg, also forty-two, says that she experiences a similar reaction: “Several men have asked me to marry them, and each time I say yes, I stop breathing. The last one was two years ago. I had just turned forty, and I remember thinking, Go ahead, marry him! Make your parents happy! It won’t be so bad. You can have a child right away, and then when the child is fourteen, you can get divorced. You’ll only be fifty-five—you can still have some life left . But I couldn’t do it, because after I said yes, I became phobic about everything—trains, buses, cars. One night I made him walk home with me from Penn Station to Eighty-sixth Street because I couldn’t get into any vehicle with him. I completely lost it.”
• Anxiety ranging from mild to intense is the way many men and women with commitment conflicts describe their feelings. This group rarely feels outright panic, and the symptoms of fear, or phobia, may be so subtle and so seemingly disconnected from the relationship that at first they are only vaguely aware of what’staking place. But when the anxiety hangs around long enough, they become acutely aware of their discomfort. Sometimes this type of anxiety translates into actual physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomachaches, or back pain. Often the symptoms don’t emerge until after a commitment has taken place.
Janice, a thirty-six-year-old woman, was recently married for the second time. She told us, “In my first marriage I was uncomfortable and nervous all the time. I felt like I was jumping out of my skin. But I blamed that on my first husband. Within weeks of this marriage I started to feel the same thing. I can’t blame my second husband. He’s not doing anything. I just feel the walls closing in on me.”
Anthony, an accountant, says that although he has never felt actual panic, he is aware of his anxiety. “I know I’m nervous about commitment because I get this anxious feeling in my stomach whenever I let anything get too close. The first time it happened, I was going out with this woman at work, and I thought I had the flu. I felt sick for close to four weeks. Whenever I would go to the office, I would feel sick. When I went home, I felt better. Finally I figured it out. I don’t think it was the woman’s fault. I just got anxious when she was around. Eventually we broke up, and then two years later, when I started seeing another woman seriously, the same thing happened. It’s a real problem.”
• Controlled fear is the feeling expressed by those men and women who acknowledge their conflicts and who are attempting to lead their lives in a way that compensates for their
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