He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Steven Carter Page B

feelings. Although she is only twenty-four, Debra, who describes herself as the queen of self-help, says that for the time being she has arranged her life to accommodate feelings such as this. She says:
    “Right now I’m totally commitmentphobic. I’m afraid, and I know it. I don’t want to get involved seriously, and I don’t want to make any promises. Looking at different relationships and different married couples, I see that I don’t want to be trapped in that little box. It’s too stifling.
    “I had a difficult childhood, and I’ve had to work a lot of stuff out. I’ve read just about every self-help book published, and I attend a twelve-step program designed for children of dysfunctionalfamilies. I have to be careful not to be attracted to men with a lot of problems. Because I know me, I know that if I see someone more than a few times, I get involved. Therefore I just won’t go out with anyone more than three or four times. I like to date, I like men, I’m just very realistic about what I want, and I don’t want commitment, at least not for a long time. The decision not to be in a relationship feels good to me because for the first time in my life I don’t feel as if I have to be with someone. I always thought it was expected of me, and I would try even though I wasn’t comfortable with it. I like men, but no real promises and no real intimacy—that’s what I want. And I don’t want any man to try to talk me out of it.”
    Kevin, thirty-six, says that he has also come to terms with his commitmentphobia:
    “I know that I will never be able to be with somebody forever. My compromise: I date only women who feel the same way I do. I don’t let it get too intimate. I figure maybe someday down the line I’ll be good for limited commitments. But for now, after a half-dozen devastating experiences in which everybody was hurt, I keep it simple and detached. It’s working for me.”
    • Hidden fear is the only way to describe the reactions of those men and women whose history clearly indicates that they are avoiding commitment, even though they have no conscious awareness of what they are doing. These men and women are so terrified of commitment that they rarely, if ever, consider becoming involved with anyone who would present them with the opportunity to confront their terror. Because they are attracted to partners who are unavailable or pulling away, unless they accidentally stumble into a committed relationship, they have no idea of the depth of their anxiety. Karen, a forty-year-old musician, says:
    “My whole life I wanted to get married and have children, but with every man I went out with, it was the same thing. Something was wrong with every one of them—either they were married or they were petrified of intimacy. I had a couple of relationships that took me a long time to get over. Anyway one of these men, someone who broke my heart about ten years ago, suddenly turned up in my life again. Now he wants to get married—and I’m not so sure.
    “I’ve learned how to live alone, and it seems like a lot of trouble to be with somebody all the time. I have to admit it, now that he’s around all the time, I feel that he’s pressuring me. I like him, but I don’t want him around so much. I feel angry, and I want to scream at him to just get away from me. This is amazing because I fantasized about him every night for years, and if he weren’t here, I might dream about him again. But when I’m with him, I have chest pains. This might be my last chance to have a family, and I worry that I should grab it, and him, while I can, but I can’t stand feeling this way.”
    James, forty-four, insists that he has no awareness of any fear and would be thrilled if he could meet the right woman, but his history says otherwise. He tends to go for long periods—sometimes years—without going out with anyone because his feelings are often focused on women who, for one reason or another, are not interested in