The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel by Joseph Torchia

even hit him. And neither did his dad. But they made him go back to Holy Redeemer School. But first they went in to talk to Sister  Mary Justin. And Robert’s mom was REAL mad. That’s why she decided to have a drink before she went in and told Sister Mary Justin that if she EVER hits their son again then they’re gonna sue her and the hole convent. I mean holy convent. And so now Sister Mary Justin REALLLLLLY hates Robert only she can’t hit him. And so that’s even worse. And Robert’s mother’s name is Elizabeth. And she lets us call her Elizabeth and not Mrs. Sipanno. Except Robert. He calls her mom. And every Saturday night Elizabeth gets drunk. She used to get drunk on Friday night but then her father who was Robert’s grandfather happend to die on a Friday night and so now she gets drunk on Saturday night. And last Saturday night she got REAL drunk and she said THOSE GOD DAM NUNNS! THEY CAN’T HIT MY BOY! And she grabbed Robert and she kissed him. NOT MY BOY. And you know what I wish sometimes, Superman? I wish my mom would get drunk sometimes. But she don’t.
    Goodby.
       
Just,
Jerry
      

    PS: Robert don’t know I wrote you this letter because then he’d feel REAL bad and he wouldn’t talk to me ever again. But I figure if he don’t know I wrote it then he can’t feel bad. And since you never write back anyway, I don’t have to worry about it. So if you ever decide to write us a letter, please don’t mention it. Thanks, Man of Steel.
      

      
    DEAR SUPERMAN,
      
    You see, my mom’s got this towel which is REAL old  and it’s got a hole in it and so I figured she won’t miss it. And what I did was I got a Magic Marker and I put a S on the back of it and that stands for Super Jerry. I wanted to put SJ on it but then Robert said that might stand for Sister Mary Justin and so we just put a S on it like yours. I hope you don’t mind. And I usually climb to the second branch but this time I climbed to the third. And I put my hands out in front of me. And Robert said ARE YOU READY?
    And I said YES.
    And Robert said I’LL COUNT TO THREE OK?
    And he did.
    And I flew REAL good, Superman. Only I didn’t land too good and that’s why my foot still hurts. Only I can’t tell my mom because she’ll get mad because I wasn’t supposed to be up that high. Especially with a cape on. So Robert said maybe I should become indestructable before I learn how to fly and this way I won’t get hurt just in case I don’t do it. But you just wait, Superman. I’ll do it. You’ll see. I KNOW I’ll do it because I REALLY want to, Superman. You’ll see.
      
GETTING SUPER,
JERRY
      

      
    Dear SUPERMAN,
      
    The other day my brother Buster asked me who I liked better than anybody else in the hole world. The reason he asked me was because he wanted me to ask him the same question back. Because Buster is a lot older than me and so he likes girls and he likes this one girl named Mary Louise quite a bit. So he wanted to tell me how he likes her more than ANYBODY in the hole world even though she’s got a  bigger nose than he’s got. And so I said SUPERMAN. And he said WHAT? And I said I LIKE SUPERMAN BETTER THAN ANYBODY ELSE IN THE HOLE WORLD. And he said YOU MUST BE A QUEER. And I said WHAT’S A QUEER? And he said BOYS ARE SUPPOSED TO LIKE GIRLS NOT BOYS. LIKE ME. I LIKE MARY LOUISE. BOY DO I LIKE MARY LOUISE. MAYBE I EVEN LOVE HER. And I said WHAT’S A QUEER? again. And he said THAT’S A BOY WHO LIKES OTHER BOYS. THAT’S A SISSIE. And I said I AIN’T NO SISSIE! And he said YES YOU ARE IF YOU LIKE SUPERMAN. And I said NO I AIN’T! And he said SISSIEEEEEEEEEE! And I said WELL I THINK SUPERMAN IS BETTER THAN MARY LOUISE ANY DAY. SHE’S GOT A BIG NOSE AND SHE’S ALWAYS GOT PIMPELS ON HER CHIN. And Buster said DON’T SAY THAT ABOUT MARY LOUISE! I LOVE HER! And I said WELL IT’S TRUE. And he got real mad and hit me real hard. And then